This winter season has been a doozy where I live. After a mild and warm start to the season, the past six weeks have brought us snow, thawing, two polar vortexes, freezing rain, refreezing, and more snow on top of all that ice.
Clearing snow from the sidewalks and driveway has proven a real challenge this year, and we have a mess on our hands.
Specifically, we have a mess at the end of our driveway. I promise this relates to marriage and sex.
Our icy potholes
We cannot seem to get rid of the snow and ice.
Snow is piled up at the end of our driveway from where we’ve shoveled and snow-blowed. There’s also a bunch of ice and snow on the street in front of our house from the times the city plow has had to swerve around a parked car. When the snow piles start to melt, the water has nowhere to go because of all the ice and snow and the street.
Somehow, we’ve ended up with something that feels like two big potholes at the end of our driveway from where our tires have gone in and out.
Every time we exit or enter, we have to slow down to ease the vehicle rather than experience a big thunk.
It’s a very bumpy spot, and I’ve gotten my car briefly stuck a time or two.
Walking out to the mailbox is a bit treacherous as well. I walk like a penguin, slowly stepping my way out of the driveway, watching my footsteps carefully so I can avoid falling.
When our temperature rises above freezing, the ice in the two tire track spots melts into puddles–but the surrounding ice barely budges. Meanwhile, the snow piles are melting and refilling those holes, so it’s hard to feel like we’re making any progress.
When it refreezes, we’re still driving over slippery ice, but at least the holes are frozen solid so the bumping in and out of the driveway isn’t as pronounced.
Tackling our mess
When it’s warm enough, we try to tackle the icy mess around the edges. Progress is slow, and then it freezes all over again.
We chip away at it a bit at a time. Meanwhile, we go slowly as we drive over that spot. Then, when it refreezes or snows again, we take a break.
As long as this winter season lasts, we just have to bear with it.
Eventually, winter will be over and our nights will stay above freezing. The snow piles and ice will melt and go away.
The icy potholes will disappear, and we’ll be able to go in and out of our driveway normally again.
Spring is on the way
What this has to do with sex
The “work away at it for a while when it’s warm” and “take a break when it’s frozen solid again” system is the same approach I took while I was working on sexual intimacy.
I had big piles of stuff to work on–baggage, an insufficient understanding of my own sexual response and desire, and struggles in my relationship with Big Guy.
When the temperature in our marriage was comfortable, I would chip away at what I could and I’d watch the piles of my stuff begin to melt.
But there were also times when I would be frozen in place on my journey, doing everything I could just not to fall down or get stuck.
During those times, I would move more cautiously–and when things warmed up a bit, I’d get back to work.
Eventually, the big freeze in our marriage was over. The nights were more comfortable, and the difficult frozen spots disappeared.
Over time, the icy potholes of sex went away. Sex felt like a normal part of marriage.
When you’re frozen on your journey
As you travel along on your own journey to work on sex, you may encounter times when you seem to freeze. You just can’t seem to make any progress. It takes all your effort to keep your balance.
Sister, I want you to know that it’s okay. Stop and catch your breath when you need to. Working on your own piles is a lot of work, and sometimes that stuff just melts into another area that needs your effort, too.
This may feel like a long, hard season, but it won’t last forever.
Spring is on the way.
See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me.” Song of Songs 2:11-13
Image credit | Chris Taylor
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I like your analogy with this story. I feel this applies to me when I back slide on my anger towards my husbands past porn use. I try to keep it in the past but sometimes it rears its ugly head and the thoughts will not leave my head. Many times he has not done anything for it to cause this but once in a while the way he makes a statement or looks at a woman it will get my wheels turning. I have to try and focus on the fact that I believe he is porn free as he says he is and not focus on those feelings. I wonder sometimes if those insecurities every really go away. When this happens like you said I try and focus on the progress and move on to other thoughts. Thank you for your blog Chris I can so relate to so much of what you say.
When I start to have negative thoughts and feelings about my husband, I try to step back and pay attention to all the good things about my husband. Focusing on that and on progress helps me move past those thoughts and feelings more quickly. Thanks for reading!