The Only Way Through It Is to Do It

Have you ever faced a situation where you knew you didn’t want to do what was asked but you knew you needed to do it anyway?

That’s a pretty apt description of my effort to work on sex. I didn’t know how I was going to work on it, but I knew that in order to get through my struggle, I just needed to put the effort in and do what was needed.

This past weekend, I was reminded of what that was like.

Testimony

Our pastor had asked me to give a brief testimony in church this past Sunday as part of our annual stewardship campaign. It wasn’t a big “here’s my life story” kind of thing. I was asked to talk for five minutes about why I was part of that congregation.

In my long-time career in higher education, I did a lot of speaking. Even aside from my classroom teaching, I led and presented at workshops, retreats, and national conferences. I talked in front of both friends and complete strangers. I spoke to audiences of hundreds. I’m comfortable with a mic.

Speaking in front of a large group was hardly something new to me. But this? It felt very different.

This time, my words would be part of our congregation’s worship experience. I was going to speak from the pulpit. It wasn’t the sermon, but it was part of what paved the way for the sermon. I’ve given other talks that have been important and provided important information or insight—but this was the first time that my words would truly matter.

God’s plan

My initial reaction was that I wanted to say no. I have many gifts, and I share them freely with my church. Surely there was someone else who could do a better job than I would. Surely this wasn’t something I had a need to do.

God didn’t agree with me. As I thought about how I could say no without coming across as unsupportive, it occurred to me that I should pray about it. So I did—and God’s response was not something I wanted to hear.

Do it, He said. You need to speak. This is part of work I am doing in you.

It took me a couple weeks to say yes to my pastor. I’m pretty sure I was hoping that by the time I said yes, the pastor would have found someone else and I would be off the hook without the guilt of saying no. As you can guess, the pastor had simply been waiting for my yes.

I’ll never get through this, I thought.

I said yes anyway—not because my pastor asked, but because God did.

The preparation

Over the next few weeks, I jotted down some ideas as they came to me. I was going through the motions, but I wasn’t being intentional to pursue ideas about what I would say.

One week before I was supposed to speak, I decided on several points I wanted to make. I still avoided thinking about the specifics, although I knew the time was coming when I would have to do that.

All last week, I planned to sit down Friday afternoon to gather my thoughts and make notes about specific things I wanted to say. Friday morning I sat at my computer to work on something else. A phrase popped into my head that I thought would work for my testimony. I grabbed the small pad of scratch paper on my desk and started to make notes. They were very pretty, because my notepad has a variety of paper colors.

It was only when I stopped being anxious and stopped focusing on the task that I was fully open to God’s prompting in what to say. Everything flowed in a way that was so much better than what I’d intended to do. It was a God thing. 

Doing it

I was confident about what I’d written, but I still had to get through the actual talk. Late Saturday night I tweaked what I wanted to say and printed it out.

Sunday morning I changed some of my wording one last time and sat in the sanctuary. My prayer was, God, please don’t let me die of embarrassment. Help me to not trip. Make these words touch hearts and help me remember that this is not about me. Help me get through it.

It felt weird to stand up behind the pulpit and look out on the congregation for the first time in my life. I was aware that my words mattered. Getting through the first minute was awkward, but it got easier as I continued. When I saw smiles or heard laughter at the right places, I knew that what I was doing was having an impact. I felt God’s hand holding me up. By the time I got to the end, I was confident and knew that my words had made a difference.

I didn’t know how I would get through it—but I knew that the only way to get through it—and get to the other side of the experience—was to just do it and pray for the best. It went far better than I’d expected.

Marriage and sex

As I walked back to my seat next to my husband, I realized that what I had just done paralleled so much of my journey with marriage and sex.

In our marriage, my husband had been the one to ask me to do something—work on sex.

I’d had sex with him many times before. I’d enjoyed it. It was hardly new to me. But this? Working on sex and being intentional about improving? It felt very different. I felt like if I ever actually worked on sex, it was going to truly matter in a way sex hadn’t mattered before.

God’s plan

My reaction for years was to say no. I did so much else for my husband, and I loved him in so many other ways. Surely there was something else that I could do besides work on sex. Surely this wasn’t something I had to do.

But God had other ideas. He’d been softening my heart for a while, but I still wanted to avoid working on sex. The moment I opened my heart to God and prayed about what to do, He gave me a response I didn’t want to hear.

Do it, He said. It is necessary, and it is time. This is part of work I am doing in you.

So I decided to work on sex—not because my husband had been asking me to, but because I finally heard God asking me to.

The preparation

It took me a while to figure it out. I noted my reactions and feelings and started to think about what was going on with me that made sex such a struggle. As much as I wanted to be off the hook, I was beginning to see that my thoughts and attitudes weren’t so great.

I began to think about some areas where I could put some effort. I started to go through the motions. At first it was more with attention than intention. I was focusing on what I was doing at the time, but I wasn’t purposefully pursuing passion or better sex.

I decided to stop being anxious about it and just see what happened. It was only then that I was fully open in God’s prompting in what to do and how to move forward. Everything started to flow into my heart and mind in a way that began to make sense. It was a God thing.

Doing it

For a while, sex still seemed like something I had to get through. I didn’t look forward to it as much as I looked forward to having successfully completed another sexual encounter.

I’ll never get through this, I would think—about each encounter and about my overall effort. My prayer was, God, please let me not mess this up. Please help me feel good about this and not embarrassed or resentful. Help me touch my husband’s heart and remember that this is not about me. Help me get through it.

Sex felt weird to me for a long time, but the more I had sex, the easier it became. As my husband was less tense sexually, it became easier for us to connect in other ways outside the bedroom. The longer I worked at it, the more confident I became. I knew that my efforts were making a difference. And I felt God’s presence with me every step of the way.

I hadn’t known how I would get through this whole effort to work on sex—but I knew that the only way to get through it—and get to the other side of the experience—was to just do it and pray for the best. It went far better than I’d expected it would.

What will your marriage testimony be?

If you feel stuck when it comes to sex, it can be overwhelming. You’d rather be off the hook, but you know this is something you need to figure out. You don’t know what to do or say, and you aren’t sure you can get through it.

I want to encourage you to believe that you can do it. It might be hard, and it might feel weird at first. You may need to spend some time working through other struggles that get in the way of sex. Be open to God’s working in your heart.

Growth opportunities aren’t always fun, but if God is letting you know it’s time to grow, be assured that He will be with you every step of the way.

I experienced so much joy in following God’s lead to work on sex in my marriage. My prayer is that you, too, will experience that joy.

What work does God want to do in you? If He has extended an invitation to grow in sexual intimacy in your marriage, maybe it’s time to accept that invitation and grow.

Image credit | Chris Taylor