Are you looking to make some changes in your sexual relationship with your husband? Maybe you’ve come to a realization that you’ve been hurting him and you’d like to do better. Or, maybe you’re like I was–you’re just tired of the fighting and sadness about sex and want to be a bit more content yourself.
Right now, don’t worry about the “why.” There will be plenty of time to sort through that later. For now, just figure out one step.
Make a list of five things that your husband has been asking for. Maybe they include looking at him in the eyes once during sex. Agreeing to sex without rolling your eyes. Having sex within 24 hours of him making his move. Letting him watch you get out of the shower. Touching or kissing his genitals. Opening your mouth during a kiss. Wearing lingerie, just for him. Maybe some of them are things you used to do before kids and bills got in the way; some of them may be things the two of you have never done.
Just make a list. Just five things.
Now pick one.
For me, the thing my husband complained about the most wasn’t the lack of sex but the lack of my participation in it. So that was the thing I picked as step 1.
Pick step 1. Take 24 hours to pray about it. Pray about what it will take from you to do this thing (perhaps courage or remembering to take a deep breath before responding to him or not rolling your eyes). If you want to let your husband know what you’re doing, ask him to pray today, too. Or maybe you’re afraid to tell him, for fear that he’ll respond with frustration (“That’s all you’re doing?) or that you won’t be good at it. I didn’t talk with my husband about my efforts for a full year. I was too chicken. If you aren’t ready for your husband to know what’s going on, post a comment here and I’ll pray for you today.
Today, pray.
Then tomorrow, do it. Take step 1.
Image credit | Ben White at Christianpics.co
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After 30+ yrs of marriage… today I pray tomorrow I do…. the scary road back to where we began… begins…please pray for me I am so so scared
You are definitely in my prayers! It is scary to take a big step to do something different. Be encouraged to keep moving forward, and remember that it may take some time for your husband to believe that your steps are for real.
well i had quite the complete and official revelation last night: I am a gate-keeping refuser. I am a control frieak. I’ve been doing these things since we stopped our premarital encounters a year before we married. The controlling and refusal has continued for 21 years. And I’ve cried and read your blog until after 1am. I knew these things about myself but somehow earning a title has left me completely broken. In my control freak nature i scoured your blog and skipped this article so I could, instead, find something to start DOING. Thankfully the Lord led me back to this one this morning. I’m closing all the other 25+ tabs of your blog I had open and will begin today. with this one. Thank you for your prayers.
Jeannette, I am so very glad you found the blog and that you took time to comment. I’ve cried when I’ve written some of these posts, so please know that you were not crying alone. 🙂
That moment of revelation is heart-wrenching. I described my moment in this post. Seeing a title, as you say, shocked me to my core. It broke me. I am so glad you have joined us in this journey forward.
If you are looking for a post that pulls together some suggestions on what to do, you might want to try this one. It includes the simple steps in this post and takes you just a bit further as well.
I have prayed for you this morning as you begin this next leg of your journey. I would love to hear from you as you take your steps toward a new approach to intimacy in your marriage.
Holy Father, please bless Jeannette’s journey. Wrap your arms around her and help her feel your presence as she tries new things and shakes off old habits. Be with her husband as he begins to heal. Strengthen their marriage in every way. Thank you for opening her heart. Amen.
I am really struggling my husband complains all the time about the lack of sex, or me not initiating it. He (not exaggerating) is always talking about sex, sex jokes, everything has to have some kind of sexual reference. It really bothers me and if I say anything to him about it he says well I quite for a while and things didn’t change so. I love my husband but he is a very childish and lazy man. He wasn’t like this before we married or at least not as bad. He wants what he wants but does not help out at all. I’m so frustrated with all of it. I’m so sorry to just rant just really need to vent for a moment.
Hi Kelli,
I’m sorry you’re feeling so frustrated in your marriage.
Couples can sometimes get into a vicious cycle. When we’re feeling hurt, it’s harder to respond with love, assume the best of each other, and have compassion for what the other is feeling. It sounds to me like that is happening with your husband.
I felt many of the frustrations that you describe. I got so fed up with all the sexual innuendo. I felt like the only reason my husband cared about me was for the sex I could give him.
It sounds to me like you are frustrated. You feel like you are carrying the burden of taking care of things around the house. You’ve told him that his sexual comments bother you, yet he continues to make them. When you pointed this out, his response suggested that the only reason he did something you asked was in order to get you to change something.
You have every right to feel frustrated.
Your husband has every right to feel what he feels, too.
Over the past several years, I’ve learned some things about my husband. They’re pretty common for men.
1. My husband’s sexual desire for me was from God. It was not wrong for him to want me. God created my husband’s mind and body to want to sexually connect, as often as possible. Not only was his desire normal, it was designed into him by God.
2. Sex was much more emotional for him than I realized. In fact, I think it was more emotional for him than he realized, too. Biologically, sexual intimacy and orgasm release high levels of oxytocin. This is a bonding hormone that helps people feel emotionally closer to each other. The only time men’s bodies produce enough oxytocin to “work” is during sex. So having sex with me helped me feel connected to me.
3. A man who is starved of emotional connection with his wife is not at his best. When we are physically hungry, we don’t care so much what we eat as long as it is quick and easy. When we’ve had sufficient food and nutrition for a while, it becomes easier for us to begin thinking about flavor, presentation, nutritional balance, and so on regarding our food. Although sex is very emotional for most men, the physical aspect of it acts a little bit like hunger.
NONE of this negates your feelings.
I would like to encourage you to pray for understanding, compassion, and patience with your husband. (If he were writing to me, I’d suggest that he pray for those same things with you.)
Your marriage might seem stuck, but it can change. It just takes one of you to take a step toward the other in compassion and love. It may take a long time and a whole lot of steps, but one step can be a good start.
I will keep you in my prayers.
Some things you mention I also struggle with. I have a hard time finding exactly why I refuse, avoid and resist. It’s so hard to do. I’ve come to the conclusion a long time ago that I hate the fights we have about sex and the way I feel when I replay in my mind what he feels when I push away from him so often.
Please pray for me! Pray for Gods work in my life and my marriage in this way and that I find my own steps to intimacy freedom.
Thank you!
I’ve just prayed for you.
I think my one thing is not refusing him when he asks. I’m really struggling with this… We’ve been married for almost 23 years (he’s forgotten our last 3 anniversaries)… I know you know how I’m feeling, as your words are my thoughts… I know I should do this, but I’m really struggling taking that first step. feel like an object to him. He’s even told me he’s Linus & I’m Linus’ blanket… he says his favorite thing is watching me walk AWAY (a compliment in his mind)… He even gets upset with me because I don’t 100% agree I’m beautiful. I’m thankful he thinks I’m beautiful, but it’s like he’s trying to control even my thoughts of myself…
It is hard to step out of our own hurt to work on sex. So, so very hard. When I began my own journey, it was with an attitude of sacrifice and sorrow. I grieved and felt like I was giving up on everything that I wanted in our marriage. (You can read about that in this post.) It felt like grief for several months—but then it didn’t. It became less of an internal struggle for me. It got easier. Eventually it became something I did with joy. But it certainly didn’t start out that way.
One thing I decided fairly early on was to try to believe that my husband a) believed what he said, and b) had good intentions. That made it easier for me to hear him say that I was beautiful or sexy. My post Beautiful? might be helpful to you.
I need prayer! I have been struggling with sex for 18 years of marriage. My biggest thing is just refusing my husband all the time. I only give him sex once a month to keep him happy, but that doesn’t seem to work either and I’ve had all the excuses under the sun. I want to change and I want to have a great sex life with my husband because I’m scared I’ll lose him when our children grow up and move away which is really only 6-10 years away! Please pray for me as I start my journey to not refusing and having intimacy with my husband more often 🙂
I began my own journey of change with even less time before our kids began to move away. I will pray for you as you begin your journey.