Now for something completely different . . .
Today I’d like to write to the men who read this blog.
Guys, I know there are a lot of you who read here. Many of you, sadly, are in marriages lacking in intimacy.
Some of you read here for less-than-noble reasons, such as stockpiling ammunition to use against your wife, confirming for yourself how wrong and sinful she is to deprive you of sex, and strengthening your sense of self-righteousness. To you, I’d like to say this: seriously, dudes, just stop. Deal with the plank in your own eye, and all that.
Most of you, though, read this blog for good reasons: to be encouraged in your continuing pursuit of intimacy, to gain insight into your wife, to learn how to love your wife better, to have your pain acknowledged, and to find hope.
Some of the posts reach deep into your hearts at times, pointing you in a new direction to pursue in your efforts to restore your marriage or shining a light on your pain.
I’m happy you find something useful, but here’s the thing: guys, you are not who I’m trying to minister to on this blog.
God has called me to reach out to wives—and only to wives. When you grow as a husband and understand your wife better as a result of what you’ve read here, I am still ministering to wives, albeit indirectly.
I appreciate the care and thought many of you put into your comments here. Frankly, though, I don’t know what to do with them—and that’s what I’d like to address today.
For the most part, your comments follow my commenting guidelines. Even so, many of them sit in moderation limbo—because this blog is for the wives who read, not for the husbands.
The Forgiven Wife is for women who are on the journey to reclaim the sexual intimacy in their marriages. I have an especially tender heart for those who are at the journey’s very beginning, not even ready to figure out what the first steps are.
I consider every comment with an eye toward whether it will minister to these women as they read a particular post.
I don’t have hard and fast rules, because it can vary from one post to the next. A man’s comment on a post that is somewhat light-hearted or that already has comments from several women might be approved. That very same comment in a different kind of post might not work so well, or I might not approve it if there are no comments from women.
Here are some of the questions I ponder as I moderate:
- Is the comment disrespectful to his wife and to women in general?
- Does it suggest what wives should do?
- Does it show so much pain that hurting wives might be overwhelmed with guilt or frustration?
- Is it asking for support for the commenter’s own pain? Or, is it mostly venting?
- Does the comment tell wives what they may not be ready to hear, or in a way that might be difficult for them to hear?
- Does it respond to a woman’s comment in a way that I think is not helpful to her?
- Does the comment distract from the message in the blog post?
It is rarely an easy call for me. When I’m on the fence, I often ask my tribe of women marriage bloggers to weigh in. When I still doubt, I simply don’t approve the comment.
As much as I would love to approve all the comments and provide the opportunity for you to get some support, this is not the place for that to happen.
From time to time I’ve considered adding a ministry for husbands to my site. God has been very clear that this is not for me to do.
I’ve also considered the other extreme of not allowing any comments from men. I’m not there . . . yet.
Guys, please know that your comments often break my heart. Your pain is real. It is raw. I ache for you.
I read every single comment. I pray for you.
This blog needs to be a safe place for hurting wives—and if I have any concern that a particular comment may detract from that, it won’t be approved.
Continue reading here. Comment if you have something to say—and know that even if I don’t approve the comment, I will read and pray over it.
I’d like to encourage you to visit the following sources of encouragement and support:
While I am glad you read here, my heart is for wives first. When I don’t approve your comment, or when I edit it in some way, please know it is because I am being true to this site’s mission and to what God has called me to do.
And if you have any questions, feel free to, um, leave a comment. 😀