Words to the Guys: Some Comments about Comments

A post for the guys who comment here.

Now for something completely different . . .

Today I’d like to write to the men who read this blog.

Guys, I know there are a lot of you who read here. Many of you, sadly, are in marriages lacking in intimacy.

Some of you read here for less-than-noble reasons, such as stockpiling ammunition to use against your wife, confirming for yourself how wrong and sinful she is to deprive you of sex, and strengthening your sense of self-righteousness. To you, I’d like to say this: seriously, dudes, just stop. Deal with the plank in your own eye, and all that.

Most of you, though, read this blog for good reasons: to be encouraged in your continuing pursuit of intimacy, to gain insight into your wife, to learn how to love your wife better, to have your pain acknowledged, and to find hope.

Some of the posts reach deep into your hearts at times, pointing you in a new direction to pursue in your efforts to restore your marriage or shining a light on your pain.

I’m happy you find something useful, but here’s the thing: guys, you are not who I’m trying to minister to on this blog.

God has called me to reach out to wives—and only to wives. When you grow as a husband and understand your wife better as a result of what you’ve read here, I am still ministering to wives, albeit indirectly.

I appreciate the care and thought many of you put into your comments here. Frankly, though, I don’t know what to do with them—and that’s what I’d like to address today.

For the most part, your comments follow my commenting guidelines. Even so, many of them sit in moderation limbo—because this blog is for the wives who read, not for the husbands.

The Forgiven Wife is for women who are on the journey to reclaim the sexual intimacy in their marriages. I have an especially tender heart for those who are at the journey’s very beginning, not even ready to figure out what the first steps are.

I consider every comment with an eye toward whether it will minister to these women as they read a particular post.

I don’t have hard and fast rules, because it can vary from one post to the next. A man’s comment on a post that is somewhat light-hearted or that already has comments from several women might be approved. That very same comment in a different kind of post might not work so well, or I might not approve it if there are no comments from women.

Here are some of the questions I ponder as I moderate:

  • Is the comment disrespectful to his wife and to women in general?
  • Does it suggest what wives should do?
  • Does it show so much pain that hurting wives might be overwhelmed with guilt or frustration?
  • Is it asking for support for the commenter’s own pain? Or, is it mostly venting?
  • Does the comment tell wives what they may not be ready to hear, or in a way that might be difficult for them to hear?
  • Does it respond to a woman’s comment in a way that I think is not helpful to her?
  • Does the comment distract from the message in the blog post?

It is rarely an easy call for me. When I’m on the fence, I often ask my tribe of women marriage bloggers to weigh in. When I still doubt, I simply don’t approve the comment.

As much as I would love to approve all the comments and provide the opportunity for you to get some support, this is not the place for that to happen.

From time to time I’ve considered adding a ministry for husbands to my site. God has been very clear that this is not for me to do.

I’ve also considered the other extreme of not allowing any comments from men. I’m not there . . . yet.

Guys, please know that your comments often break my heart. Your pain is real. It is raw. I ache for you.

I read every single comment. I pray for you.

This blog needs to be a safe place for hurting wives—and if I have any concern that a particular comment may detract from that, it won’t be approved.

Continue reading here. Comment if you have something to say—and know that even if I don’t approve the comment, I will read and pray over it.

I’d like to encourage you to visit the following sources of encouragement and support:

The Marriage Bed forums
The Generous Husband
The Curmudgeonly Librarian
A Christian counselor
Your pastor

While I am glad you read here, my heart is for wives first. When I don’t approve your comment, or when I edit it in some way, please know it is because I am being true to this site’s mission and to what God has called me to do.

And if you have any questions, feel free to, um, leave a comment. 😀

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12 Comments on “Words to the Guys: Some Comments about Comments”

  1. Thank you for this post. I have hesitated to comment on your posts, because I understand that are not written for me (directly) as I am a husband, not a wife. I appreciate your dilemma and struggle in deciding what comments to let thru etc.
    For me, your blog as well as Hot Holy and Humorous and the Sex Chat for wives has helped me immensely in understanding my wife, and in turn understanding myself.
    Empathy has been described as feeling someones else pain in your heart. These blogs have helped me to feel her pain in my heart and even helped me to express the pain in
    my heart in a way she can understand.
    Keep up the good work and know that you are helping marriages not just wives.
    Comments off….. 🙂

  2. Chris, thank you for ministering to our wives. When I read your blog, you speak so much truth in your experiences. You have spoken of your husband’s feelings and reactions so often that I identify with him. You are one of my favorite writers to read. I think it is because you have such deep insight into solving some of these tangled marital situations. So, thank you for your help, keep up the good work. (This message is just to you, you don’t need to post it in comments.)

  3. Chris,
    Thanks for your thoughts. I am a husband who only reads and never comments, until today! I read this blog with a desire to try to become the loving husband that my wife deserves and to serve her to my best ability. My wife and I both grew up in homes with parents who did not model a loving relationship with each other. Thanks for your wisdom and help!
    Al

  4. It can be a difficult decision, as I’ve had to making some of those decisions myself. (However, while I primarily write to wives, I know that I have a steady stream of male readers and so I do talk to them as well.)

    Ultimately, you have to consider the core purpose of your ministry and do what God has specifically called you to do. The beauty of the Body of Christ is that we don’t each have to be all body parts, but we can do our part as a finger and let someone else do their part as a leg, or whatever. Thanks for all you do!

  5. As a high drive wife I appreciate some of the comments of the male readers because I can relate to them.

    I still feel very much like an alien or a strange person because I find the majority of women do find a decrease in their drive especially if they work full-time, have a toddler and are pregnant (as I am presently) but I have yet to experience the decrease that so many report. This is not really a godsend as you might imagine as it has created conflict my marriage and contributed to me feeling very isolated.

    That said, I do appreciate that you preserve the mission of your blog and that you keep this blog as a safe place for women by being selective with the comments you approve.

    Keep up the good work!

    1. It is very difficult to be a wife with a higher drive than her husband, but you are not alone. I’ve seen some estimates that around 25-30% of marriages have a wife as the higher-drive spouse. I wish we had more blogs to support and encourage y’all–and actually, me, too. We are in a season where I have a higher drive than my husband. (Ironic, isn’t it?)

      The reason I’ve let so many comments from husbands is that it is so important for wives like I was to understand the emotional impact of what is happening. The comments showed that–but I’ve realized that those comments need to be limited in order for this to be a safe place for these women.

      Thanks for reading, even though you’re on the other side of the situation.

  6. Last week is asked if a wife could enjoy sex without having an orgasm. Your answer absolutely, beyond a shadow of a doubt, transformed our marriage. It transformed how I look at our sex life and how I look at my incredible wife.

    I pray for your tough place to be in.

    Perhaps there are Noble men here that have tried to talk with there wives and that conversation has gone absolutely know where. This may be a last place for encouragement.

    Helped husband.

  7. Hi Chris, I totally understand. I recently read a post of yours where you said, “I wanted my heart to be fed” and realized that although she may not say it, that is actually what my wife needs. I and anyone else in a marriage lacking intimacy has the opportunity to feed their spouse’s heart, even if there’s nothing offered in return. But just maybe there will be, and a marriage where one of you is still alive to the possibility of a rich relationship is better than one where you have both given up. God bless you.

    1. When we feed a spouse’s heart with the expectation of our heart being filled as a result, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. Sometimes it takes a heart adjustment on the part of one spouse to begin to change the marriage.

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