4 Ways to Be Present During Sex

During the years when I was avoiding sex, I wasn’t just avoiding having sex.

I was also avoiding sex while I was having sex.

My mind was on anything other than what I was doing. I would think about the groceries I needed to get. I’d mentally check off my to-do list items. I would think about my calendar for the coming week. If my body seemed to want a release, I would fantasize about other sexual scenarios.

My body was there for sex, but my mind and my heart weren’t at all present and engaged in the experience. I was basically allowing my husband to use me as a masturbation tool. It was demeaning to both of us, and it didn’t at all come close to God’s design for sexual intimacy.

Big Guy’s biggest sexual complaint was that I wasn’t present during sex. My body was there, and since I thought that was all he wanted, I dismissed his complaint as too much pressure on me.

He had my body. What more did he need? A lot more, it turns out—and so did I.

The value of being present

Although Big Guy certainly enjoyed the physical aspect of sex, what he valued the most was the feeling of emotional connection with me. (See Make Just One Change and What a Quickie Taught Us About Sexual Intimacy to learn more.)

He was connecting with my body, but he wasn’t connecting at all with me.

My body was present, but I wasn’t. My heart and mind simply weren’t there for the experience.

Being present during sex means that you’re 1) paying attention to the sex you’re having, and that you 2) aren’t paying attention to anything else.

It’s impossible to be present when you’re going through mental checklists or you’re fantasizing.

When I began to work on sex, being present during sex was the first thing I worked on. It was what Big Guy had complained about the most, so I figured that any effort there would have the biggest and quickest impact.

It turned out that I was right. Big Guy wasn’t having more sex, but the sex he was having was more connective and fulfilling.

Along the way, I discovered something else:

Being present during sex was good for me, too!

I felt more connected to my husband, just as he did to me. When I stopped checking out or even feeling resentful about sex, I was able to just enjoy the experience more. I had more orgasms. My body felt more sexual and engaged.

How to be more present

If you’ve been mentally avoiding sex even while you’re actually having it, it might seem impossible to turn this around.

I’d like to suggest you consider the four things that helped me make this seemingly impossible change from avoiding sex to being full present.

1. Be mentally prepared.

When you’re going to have sex, prepare yourself with prayer and the belt of truth that is part of the armor of God. Pray for yourself to be present during sex. Pray about this every day, and pray about it as you are heading into the sexual encounter.

Remind yourself every day about the truth about God’s design for sex:

This is a good thing.

Sex will help us feel more connected.

God blesses this activity.

God commends the enjoyment of life.

When you notice a stray thought in your head during sex, push it away with one of these truths. If you’ve been rehearsing these truths every day, this should happen with little effort.

2. Use your senses.

To get out of your head, pay more attention to what’s going on with your body. Open your eyes and truly look at your husband. Use a scent (perfume, lotion, candles, or whatever) that you reserve for romantic or sexual encounters. Make a point of inhaling and experiencing the aroma. Touch your husband in a variety of ways and places. Be intentional about engaging your body, squeezing your vaginal muscles, slightly tilting your hips, or even caressing yourself during sex.

3. Seek and prolong the things you enjoy.

If there is something you enjoy about your husband or about sex, then make a point of incorporating that into sex. If your husband often gives you a back massage, allows yourself to fully relax into it and enjoy the feeling of being physically tended by your husband. Kiss him—and kiss him longer than he might think to kiss. Make out for a while. Ask for him to do at least one sexual thing to or for you. If you can’t bring yourself to say the words, simply move his hand to where you want him to be touching you.

4. Set aside negative emotions.

If you bring negative feelings such as frustration or guilt into the encounter, try to set those aside for the time. Tell yourself you can feel them and deal with those feelings later.

Set aside guilt about what you aren’t getting done or about enjoying sex while you have a baby fussing in another room. In Ecclesiastes, we are told to enjoy the life we have, including the physical pleasures we can experience in the bodies God has given us. If you feel guilty or ashamed of enjoying sex, remind yourself that God gave you a clitoris that exists for one reason only—sexual pleasure.

I certainly don’t mean to ignore emotional pain that has been brought to you by your husband’s neglect or sin. Rather, I’m referring to residual feelings from a disagreement or feeling overwhelmed because it seems that you’re always the one who has to wash the dishes. Many women find that when they make a decision to set aside those negative feelings only until they’re done having sex, the connective uniting that happens during sex often makes it easier to then deal with those feelings and issues afterward.

Note: If you experience negative feelings related to sexual trauma, then be sure a trained specialist helps you determine the best way to address those negative feelings.

Practice and persist

If you’ve been mentally avoiding sex, being present may not seem like a natural thing to do. With practice and persistence, you may find that yourself at a place where being present feels more natural than avoiding sex had ever been.

If you are going to have sex, you might as well show up all the way for it!

I’d love to hear from you: What else have you found helpful in being present during sex?

Related posts

4 Reasons Your Husband Desires Your Orgasm
Sexuality as Superpower
To Duty Sex—and Beyond!
The Value of Showing Up

Image credit | Babienochka at pixabay.com