I’ve spent some time this week beginning to do the hard work of taking steps to address my anxiety. I’ve spent a lot of time with God, including prayer, scripture, and a good amount of ugly-crying.
I feel a bit raw, in the same way that ripping a scab off makes you start bleeding again. Although the rawness is physically draining, it is also the thing that best prepares me to absorb the presence and love of God.
Authenticity Fail
I’d like to share one thing I’m learning this week: Some of the issues that were factors in my long-time resistance to sex are still with me.
Not only are they still with me, they still interfere with full and authentic intimacy in my marriage.
Ugh. That was not at all what I wanted to learn. I can see the truth of it, though.
Over the past year and a half, as Big Guy’s stress and my menopause have taken a toll on our sex life, I have sometimes held myself back—from trying to enjoy our time together, from sharing my frustration and burdens with my husband, and from depending on him.
I’ve told myself that I’m trying to ease his burdens and spare him from feeling like he is failing in any way. While that it is true, it is also true that I have been aware of thoughts like, He will think I’m too needy and not worth his time and, If he really knew me, he wouldn’t love me.
Most of the time, I am able to remind myself that those things are not true. Sometimes, though, I just can’t shake those feelings. At those times, the woman Big Guy sees is just a version of me, not the fully authentic Chris. Sigh.
It isn’t that I’ve gone out of my way to pretend to be different. I’ve just not gone all the way to be who I am.
I see this incomplete authenticity show up in several places in our marriage. I’ve definitely seen it in our marriage bed. I am engaged and enjoy participating in sex, but I have struggled to fully relax in my husband’s arms.
Because here’s the thing: I’ve been sitting here trying to come up with a not-so-negative spin on this with phrases like “incomplete authenticity” and “holding myself back.” Blah, blah, blah.
Authenticity isn’t something with gray areas—especially in marriage.
My husband and I are one flesh. Intimacy is fully knowing and being fully known.
I am either authentic with him, or I am not.
Strategies for Authenticity
Authenticity in marriage requires me to do several things, often all at the same time.
Be vulnerable.
Instead of hiding behind a pretense that everything is fine or that I don’t want to bother my husband, I need to be open about the broken pieces I still carry within me. I need to admit those things to myself as well as learn to share them with Big Guy.
Seek and apply biblical wisdom.
As a Christian, being authentic is more than just being honest about my feelings. It is also about seeking and applying God’s truth to my brokenness and my circumstances. It isn’t enough to say to Big Guy, “Honey, here’s what I’m struggling with.” I also need to speak to what I see God saying about the struggle. I must allow my husband to see my growth—and ask for his spiritual support in the form of prayer and checking in with me.
Pursue intimacy.
In those moments when I am aware of a decision to make—Do I say this thing to him? Should I save this comment until later? Is this something he needs to know?—I need to ask myself what will most help us know each other and grow with each other and with God.
Lean into the tension.
I don’t like conflict at all, especially when it comes to my husband. When there is tension or difficulty between us, though, instead saying and doing things that help avoid the tension, I can instead embrace it as an opportunity for growth and for deeper knowing.
The annoying thing is that I did this once before. I thought I already had this authenticity thing figured out. I let myself get out of the habit. Without intention and consistent effort, authenticity fell by the wayside.
However, since I was able to do it before, I know I can do it again. Even more, I know that it is worth the effort.
Encouragement Toward Authenticity
I’ve been praying about several Bible verses to help me strive for authenticity with my husband.
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Ephesians 4:22-2
Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.? Luke 9:23
And we also thank God continually because, when you received the word of God, which you heard from us, you accepted it not as a human word, but as it actually is, the word of God, which is indeed at work in you who believe. 1 Thessalonians 2:13
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. James 5:16
“Every word of God is flawless; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him.” Proverbs 30:5
“God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.” John 4:24
What helps you be authentic in your marriage?
Related posts:
More Than Many Sparrows
Waves of Healing
From Insecurity to Authenticity
Ugly-Crying with God
An Opportunity for Growth
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Nice post!
You asked: What helps you be authentic in your marriage?
Marriage with the one we love is like a scenic drive. Sure the view is nice, but we always keep a spare tire and jumper cables in the trunk, because flat tires and dead batteries do occur. (or maybe someone else needs a jump start)
Kind of like obstacles we experience in a marriage.
Sometimes a long drive (as nice as it is) does make us tired. But we always seem to find new and interesting things to look at that is combined with the things we have always liked to see.
Even with intimacy with our spouses it does progress as time goes by. Spouses understand certain boundaries the other has, but also they discover new and more exciting boundaries that break barriers. Totally surrendering and loving every square inch of their spouses body.
But also if we stop magnifying a perceived imperfection that we have fabricated in our minds we won’t get tripped up on certain hang-ups that is holding us back.
My wife and I are both 40-50+ lbs heavier now than when we were married (I was 150 lbs) and I find her more attractive now compared to the day we married. Years and days in a lifetime is limited and we are surrendering in a way that we want to quench one another.
Because tomorrow is promised to no-one, her and I want to cherish, every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day we have with each other. Though we do enjoy the luxury of cuddling every night, our exhaustive busy work schedules do keep us apart more than we like.
WOW! Great post, Chris!
Your words, “I don’t like conflict at all, especially when it comes to my husband. When there is tension or difficulty between us, though, instead saying and doing things that help avoid the tension, I can instead embrace it as an opportunity for growth and for deeper knowing.
The annoying thing is that I did this once before. I thought I already had this authenticity thing figured out. I let myself get out of the habit. Without intention and consistent effort, authenticity fell by the wayside,” especially caught my attention. They seemed, t me, o answer your own questions.
As I read your post, Chris, it reminded me, somewhat, of the struggles my younger daughter has been fighting for quite some time – her former drug habit. Every day is a new opportunity for her to fall back into the trap of drugs. She knows the price she’s already had to pay for her habit, jail, loss of several jobs, a bad reputation, and finding out she’s HIV positive. Had she had the courage and trust in herself to not do what she knew was a huge negative, her life, it now, would/could be far better.
I guess my point, here, is: No matter what our issues are, our marriage in general, our intimate relations with our spouse, our relationships with those within and outside our nuclear and extended families, and our relationships with our work-mates, there is always a need to for us to be constantly aware of our “perceived” weaknesses and to try to address them in a manner that’s both positive and continuing.
It seems to me that my marriage to my wife and your marriage to your husband can be somewhat equated to the daily struggles an addict goes through. Instead of trying to avoid drugs, we avoid facing our own fears and failings and asking the people we claim to truly depend on, for help.
You mentioned not wanting to appear too clingy or needy. My wife has the same feelings about approaching me with her troubles. Admittedly, after hearing about the same issue for the umpteenth time and giving her my opinion for the umpteenth time, it does grow old hearing about a problem I thought we’d already resolved and moved-on from.
That said, being her husband, I still want my wife to know she can still come to me with anything she wants to. It’s not so much a “duty” on my part, to listen to her, but, a “desire” for her to trust me enough to be open and vulnerable at anytime and about any topic. I may not have any answers or a magic potion to,give her to cure what ails her, but, I can be a “sounding board” and/or a “shoulder to lean on.”
From what I’ve read in your posts, your marital sexual issues began with feelings of guilt over some teenage sexual promiscuity. I don’t know what may have triggered your trip down that path. Were you molested by a family member? A family friend? Date-raped? Just decided that having sex was a way to be popular? Thought you were truly “in love” with a boyfriend and that by having sex with him you’d be expressing your love for him? You were afraid of losing a boyfriend and thought that by having sex with him, he’d stay with you? (I’ve been married twice, have 2 daughters, 7 granddaughters and 3 nieces. I’ve heard every excuse there is as to why a young woman would give-up her virginity.)
That you still have negative feelings about yourself over them, and that these feelings have had a profoundly negative impact on your relationship with your husband, makes me wonder, have you truly forgiven yourself for your past? It seems that you accept that God and “Big Guy,” both, have forgiven you; yet, you continue to be an “Indian-giver”and take back the problem(s) you gave God to handle for you and that you worked so hard to gain Big Guy’s forgiveness. Why?
Stresses in life, I.e. job issues, deaths of loved ones, etc. can and do cause one to lose interest in sex. Menopause usually does, hence the HRT you’re already on. Perhaps if you and Big Guy can set aside some time, maybe once a week, to sit down and discuss the issues you are both having with life in general, you can help one another to ”lighten the load,” so to speak. You can help one another by listening and offering some suggestions, or simply listen and offer sympathy.
Another suggestion is to have a weekly period of time just to yourselves to set aside your troubles, forget about the past and concentrate on what sexual pleasures you two can give one another. Either ship the kids off somewhere or get an over-night sitter and check yourselves into a motel and have some “We-Time.” Just get away from all of the distractions. And, don’t allow yourself, Chris, to think about what “was.” Only think about what “is.”
This isn’t a method of not dealing with the issue, it’s just a small period of time where the past doesn’t matter. It’s not about going off to some exotic paradise, either. Keep it cheap. Go to a decent hotel across town, if you want. You DO write a blog about your sexual issues. As such, it’s not going anywhere, soon. Your ministry means too much to you and your readers for you to stop it. But, it won’t hurt to simply not have it in the forefront of your mind for a couple of days. This way, the only two people that matter will be you and Big Guy.
You guys can enjoy each other any way you want. Prepare yourselves, mentally and emotionally by imagining and discussing various sexy scenarios the two of you would like to participate in. Or, read a sexy book, out loud, to,yourselves, to get yourselves in the mood. Do something most people would find to be totally out of character for you two. Since you’ve written about using “sex toys,” I’m going to presume that you and Big Guy use them, too. As such, go to a sex shop together and buy a new one, or two, or three. Buy something for both of you; a toy for him and a toy for her. Get some body-paint and do some “role-playing,” too. And, if you can make this kind of “get-a-way” into a regular pattern, who knows, perhaps your own negative feelings about your past and yourself will lose their power and importance and you can truly be a “forgiven wife.”
Sincerely,
Kevin
Thank you for your thoughtful suggestions, Kevin. We’ve already put several of these things into place, and I appreciate the confirmation that those things are worth doing.
Regarding the baggage from promiscuity, yes, that was a factor in our marital sexual issues. I’ve written about that in quite a few posts. Fortunately, that is one area where I believe I am completely healed. I’ve accepted God’s forgiveness and no longer drag that scarlet letter around with me.
What I’m dealing with now is some of the stuff that created an environment where that promiscuity could thrive. I simply hadn’t dealt with the root stuff as thoroughly as I had thought. This stuff isn’t about sex or even about the past.
“… some of the stuff that created an environment where that promiscuity could thrive.”
If it’s too personal to print in a reply, then, I’ll understand, but, I’m not sure what kind of scenario you mean. My feeling is that there’s no such thing as “promiscuity” between a married couple, as long as both openly and freely agree (no coercion or ‘just going-along-to-get-along’) with what’s happening and there’s ZERO chance of either one being physically &/or emotionally harmed.
I was referring to my premarital promiscuity there.
The more I read your posts, the more I love you and your ministry to marrieds. You authenticity with your audience is truly amazing and humbling. Thank you so much, Chris. Many, many blessings to your and your spice! xox
Great post, Chris.
Authenticity is probably the single most elusive trait in my own marriage. I even went so far as to mention it in my Bible study group last Sunday. We make all sorts of excuses for ourselves to justify what is no different than telling a lie, and then we wonder why things don’t change and our spouses continue doing things that hurt us. It has only taken me 36 years to learn to speak up, and as often as not, I have to reach a point of near desperation before I do.
I’m not exactly a boat rocker by nature. I would much rather just get along without conflict, but it always ends with a much larger conflict than if I had just shared what was in my heart, because eventually I just get overwhelmed and explode.
Thanks for being bold and authentic here. It is a good example for all of us that share the struggle.
I have found menopause to truly live up to it’s name: “the change”.
It’s a biological, emotional, spiritual, and cognitive transition. An evolution. A process.
Before I started hormones, my emotions and attitudes were in constant flux. I wasn’t myself. I didn’t like myself very much.
Hormone replacement evened out my emotions enough for me to deal with the other changes I was facing. They brought me a sense of sanity.
I began to notice the changes.
I realize my, once astute, facial recognition is failing me.
My memory isn’t as quick or as clear as it used to be.
I wake up every night, sometimes for hours. I am fatigued daily.
I had a burning desire to quit coloring my hair. I now have a beautiful head of silver and wear it proudly.
I decided to go back to school and start a new career.
The biggest change, has been sexual. What was once easy, isn’t anymore. What once felt good doesn’t anymore. My body doesn’t want to respond to sexual stimulation, no matter how hard or what we try. And, yes, the difficulties bring up all kinds of past emotional garbage. I’m not sexually who I was a couple of years ago. The authentic me, at present, is very confusing and scary to my husband.
I’m not sure he likes my new reality.
That makes me hesitant to express my truths.
I’m still evolving. I’m different everyday.
Authentically, I’m still a work in progress.
And that’s OK. It’s God’s plan.
But will my husband love, appreciate, and accept the new authentic me when I emerge?
Although some of those changes were forced on you by menopause, some of them (school, hair, career) are ones that you are choosing. Good for you! It definitely is frustrating to have to work at things that used to be automatic or easy. All these changes affect our marriages and our husbands. In some respects, it is an invitation to husbands to continue learning how to love their wives well.
While I haven’t hit the menopause years yet, I still am learning the importance of authenticity in my marriage. For years I tried to dance around my true feelings. I would push my man away with vague excuses. But it hurt our marriage for a long time. When I finally started admitting that some sexual positions hurt, or I didn’t feel pretty/sexy or good enough. That is when everything changed for the better. Is it perfect? No. We still have lots of work to do, but it is a whole lot better than it used to be.
Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share what you are learning. It is a good lesson for us all. ~ Johanna