I’ve had an exhausting week. I work closely with college students and faculty, and this has been final exam week. I do a lot of taking care of people in my job. I had incredibly busy days followed by days that were less busy but ultimately more draining due to the nature of some of the situations where students and faculty needed my support. I absorbed more stress, anxiety, and panic than my body and soul can withstand.
And that was just work. At home, I floundered all week, too. My older son had his own college final exams and his band is splitting up–so I spent time listening to him decompress and process the changes in his life. My twins are heading into the mad dash toward high school graduation—huge field trip, prom preparations, college housing deposit for the fall, worry about one kid not getting the schoolwork done, getting ready for a military physical. I’ve lost track of how many blog posts I’ve seen written by other women whose children are graduating and face a completely empty nest or the beginning of the un-nesting process. I’ve spent parts of the week crying over each woman’s celebration and heartbreak so similar to my own.
We finally have a spring, and with all the rain we’ve had, our grass was, oh, about a foot tall. The dog even struggled to get himself comfortable doing his business outside. I don’t mind mowing, but I don’t know how to get the mower ready in the spring and I simply haven’t had time this week to do it anyway.
My husband and I have had our sexual slump, so I was feeling disconnected, physically tense (turns out I’ve been relying on frequent orgasms more than I’d realized), and emotionally untended.
All week, I had one big hurt building up. My body hurt. My mind hurt. My heart hurt. I just wanted someone to take care of me.
And today, my husband is doing just that.
He woke me up to nuzzling that led to something more than nuzzling that led to physical release for him and an emotional connection for me. Afterward, he came down to start the coffee while I slept in just a bit longer. When I got downstairs, he looked at me and smiled his “I’m happy because my wife loves me and I just got laid” smile. He announced that his plans for the day included mowing the yard and taking me back upstairs to take care of me.
My heart just melted. I was okay without an orgasm this morning. What I craved most was being physically and emotionally connected, and I got that. The fact that he is thinking about what else I need matters so much to my sore and tired self.
If I’d asked my husband to spend some sexual time with me later, he would have agreed. He would have pointed out that at his age and with his health, it probably wouldn’t do anything for him after already having some morning playtime, and I would have had to make a decision about whether I was comfortable with taking something just for me. Instead, I have no decision to make about whether to ask.
I am feeling very loved right now. He knew that I wanted the lawn mowed, and instead of complaining about it or waiting for one of the kids to be around to do it, he did it himself. He noticed and cared that I didn’t have an orgasm this morning, and that in itself makes me feel cherished. The fact that he is planning ahead—for my pleasure only—is giving me very happy tingles in my body and my heart.
How is it that I ever thought that his desire for me was just about physical release? All the times I either said or thought, “All you want me for is what’s between my legs”? It simply wasn’t true. Yes, he wanted that—but it mattered so much because it was connected to the rest of me.
As I think about what will happen between us later, my heart and body are all tangled up with each other in anticipation. It is a supreme reminder of how all-encompassing God designed sex to be within a marriage. My husband will be taking care of me in body, mind, and heart. I am loved.
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Ladies, if you're interested in joining me for a study of Juli Slattery's new book God, Sex, and Your Marriage, time is running out! Our study begins with introductions on February 26, 2023, but the study will be open to join until March 5.
What a blessing you have in your marriage. I love reading how you are making changes and how it has positively impacted both you and your husband.
This post was timely for me, and put a little ache in my heart as well, I confess.
My husband and I have been married 1 1/2 years….this is both our second marriages. My first one was abusive and lasted 20 years, and there was little lovemaking in that marriage, more just pure sexual release for my ex who could have cared less about my pleasure.
Lovemaking with my husband now is amazing, yet very little for me who is the higher drive spouse. We are older, I’m 48 and he’s 58 and deals with ED due to his blood pressure meds. He enjoys making love and always, always makes sure I orgasm first. And since I cannot climax through intercourse alone he usually helps me in various ways.
Unfortunately, because of his work hours during the week we usually can only make love on the weekends…usually Saturday morning and if I’m lucky Sunday too, but like you DH, mine usually needs a couple days in between so it’s sometimes just one time on the weekends. Which leaves me feeling desperate to make love and feeling or rather putting the pressure on myself to orgasm knowing that it will be another whole week before there is a chance again.
So this morning I was not able to come and although it is wonderful knowing I can please my DH, I was left feeling frustrated. Usually when my DH does not orgasm during lovemaking, but brings me, we always plan to get together again that evening or the next morning for sure to let him finish. When it’s me though, it just seems to be over and there is no mention of him taking time to please me later. Hence the frustration. And I, unlike what I read from so many women, really need that orgasm to feel like it’s complete, and again, maybe that is because I know it will be a whole week before I get a chance again. I start feeling irritable and grumpy when so much time has gone by without one and I honestly try to ignore it and admit have even prayed that my desire be diminished.
I apologized this morning to my DH for acting grumpy and said I just felt frustrated. He just smiled and said he didn’t notice I was grumpy, and then said he loved me. I suppose I was hoping for more. And I feel selfish asking for him to please me when I know he won’t be able or want to make love again so soon, so I just let it go.
Anyway, sorry for the long reply…your post just struck a chord with me today.
I enjoy your blog and writing, and although I admit I cannot completely relate to your journey, I love seeing how the Lord has worked in and through you to repair a brokenness in your marriage.
Blessings!
We all have our own stories, and although ours our different, we certainly have struggled with some of the challenges you describe. I feel selfish when I ask my husband for something sexual and I know it won’t do anything for him, but it is something I’m working on. He has said that the sights and sounds of me during just-for-me activities become something he can draw on the next time we’re together. So I’m trying to look at it as an investment in his future pleasure. 😉
I’m grateful for you that you are in a marriage that is so much better than your first one.
Thanks for your reply.
And a little update…today was a double treat. 😉
I worked up the courage tonight to ask even though I knew he was tired and worn out from some fun this morning, ;), and he very gladly helped me with my request.
And I like you, am learning that my pleasure is as important to my husband as to me, so I try to remember to allow him to please me and to believe him when he says he enjoys it.
🙂
Yay! This will make it easier for you to ask next time, too.