“Slow progress is still progress.”
I said it last week, just as I’ve said in countless other posts. Slow progress IS still progress.
Even if you are moving very slowly, with teeny tiny baby steps that are barely discernible, you are making progress.
But what if it isn’t enough?
A reader commented on one of my recent posts that her husband doesn’t believe she is even trying, and that what he wants is results.
I wish I could say this was the first time I’d heard this; it wasn’t.
“I’ll never be enough.”
Many women have written to me, frustrated and overwhelmed by this journey. They are working so hard to understand their struggles with sex and to figure out how to move forward. Even a small step requires a great deal of effort.
They accomplish a significant internal step—and instead of feeling accomplished, they encounter a “not enough” message from their husbands.
I remember one particular moment like this in my own journey. I worked up my courage to do something that I had avoided doing for a long time. I felt so good about myself. All that effort had become visible. Yay, me!
Big Guy’s response? “Yeah, but you’ll never [do sex act I had avoided and complained about for years] and that’s what I really want.”
I felt deflated and defeated. So much for all the work I’d been doing. He is never going to be happy with me. All he wants is a sexual tigress—but how am I supposed to become one without being allowed to learn and grow? Why do I even bother? It’s useless. I’m hopeless when it comes to sex.
“Why is it so hard for her to love me?”
I’ve heard from quite a few husbands about a wife’s progress, too.
Occasionally, these guys sound pretty demanding. They’re focused so much on their own sexual rights that they’ve completely checked out of thinking about what they should be bringing to the relationship.
Some of these husbands have told me that they plan to give their wives a one-month deadline. “If she isn’t willing and able to have sex at least three times a week by then, I’m out of here.” When I point out that one month isn’t enough time, sometimes they will say they’re willing to stretch it to three months. How generous. (Be sure to read this ← with the intended sarcasm.)
Mostly, though, I hear from husbands who are hurting deeply. They are already feeling rejected and unloved because they have been missing the thing that helps them feel the most connected to their wives (sexual intimacy, which washes them with the oxytocin that helps them feel emotionally bonded and united with their wives).
When we tell them we are working on sex, we think they should be thrilled, right? They’ve been complaining about our sex lives for years, and now we’re starting to make progress. What’s not to love?
But here’s what our men hear when we tell them we are working on sex: “I don’t love you enough to want to have sex with you naturally. I don’t want to do it. I have to make myself do it. It’s HARD to love you.”
You and I know that isn’t what we mean—but that’s what our husbands often hear. They don’t understand how disheartening it is for us that our effort just isn’t enough—and we may not understand how disheartening it is for them that we have to make an effort in the first place.
They are weary of the process and they want to get to the hoped-for result—because for them, that result isn’t about having more orgasms.
What they desire is to feel connected with you.
So what can you do?
When your husband is focused on results and doesn’t seem too interested in the progress you know you’re making, it’s hard to know what to do.
Our inclination may be to react by pulling away from sex even further to protect our own hearts, to argue, or to give up, either by giving in to sex in a way that leads to resentment or by ceasing our efforts to work on sex.
What helped me most was to always remember why I was making the effort in the first place. My own journey began when God gave me compassion for my husband, so being mindful of his perspective—and his heart—was what boosted me over the hurdle of my husband’s frustration.
This compassion flavored both my thoughts and my actions.
Thoughts . . .
Three things in particular were helpful to bear in mind.
- Much of my very real progress was invisible to my husband because it was internal to me. My thoughts and baggage were things I worked on through prayer, journaling, walks, forcing myself to think about memories, and so on. My husband had no way of seeing my progress, slow or otherwise.
- My husband had a history of being rejected by me. Since “no” had been the pattern for so long, it had become the filter through which he saw everything. He had every reason to think I had just come up with yet another excuse. I’d had a history of saying “I’m trying” or “I promise I’ll do better,” with very little follow-through. He had absolutely no reason to think this time was any different—even though I knew that this time it was really going to work.
- Big Guy had been deeply hurt for many years by my resistance to sex. Everything he said about our sex life came from a place of pain. Every. Single. Thing. When he made any comment about the things I wasn’t doing or how long it took me to gear myself up for sex, I reminded myself that this was an expression of his emotional wounds—wounds I had caused.
I made a decision to try to extend to my husband an extra dose of grace during this time. Yes, his comments often stung. The look on his face when I had to take a deep breath before kissing or touching him sometimes felt like a slap in the face of all the effort I’d been making. Sometimes I wasn’t successful at being grace-ful, but by being intentional, I managed it much of the time.
Consider why you are making this journey. What are the thoughts that will be most helpful to you in deciding how to respond when your husband is results-focused rather than appreciating your progress?
. . . and Actions
No matter how much progress we know we are making, our husbands know only what we show them.
Here are some things you can to do help your husband see and appreciate your efforts.
- Let your husband have his feelings. If he has been hurting for a while, he’s not going to be at his best. The fact that he says he doesn’t care about your progress, only results, doesn’t mean that he will always feel that way. As he begins to see more fruit from your efforts, he may find that some of his hurt begins to dissipate. You just can’t know now how he will feel in four months. Neither can he.
- Look for small ways that you can show him that your progress is beginning to make a real difference. You don’t have to wait until you’ve figured everything out before you start to put your growth into sexual action. Even something as small as not cringing or complaining when he pats your bottom when he is walking by can make a difference over time.
- Share with your husband the specifics of how you are working on sex. What are you reading or listening to? What Bible verses are you using? How are you pursuing healing and truth? What are you praying about regarding your sex life? Importantly, share these things at times other than when you are saying no to sex (because then it will just sound like an excuse). In the morning over coffee or when you’re carrying out the trash together? Those kinds of moments are perfect. They aren’t sexually charged, and it may be easier for him to hear your heart and believe that you really are doing the work and making progress.
- Be intentional about initiating sex, and be obvious about it. Women often initiate by hinting or snuggling. Even men who are married to sex-positive women don’t always pick up these hints. A husband who has taught himself to suppress any thoughts that you are being sexual is going to need you to be very clear about what you are doing.
- Be patient. Give him the time he needs to learn to trust you with his sexuality again. Just as your own growth is a process, so are your husband’s healing and his belief that things will get better.
- Pray. Pray for your husband’s heart, for him to heal from the pain of rejection and to grow closer to God. Pray for God to show you ways to love your husband well and to continue to grow.
Unfortunately, this may not be enough for some husbands. They may be so deeply hurt that they can’t even bear to hope for something better. They may have emotionally checked out. Their hurt may have turned into bitterness or despair that they don’t know how to shed. Or maybe your husband isn’t one of those good-willed Christian husbands I like to think my readers have.
Keep pursuing your growth anyway. The work you do on sex is for you. Healing from your baggage is good for you. Working through lies you believe so you can embrace God’s truth about sexuality is good for you. Do it for you, even if you think your husband doesn’t notice or doesn’t care about your progress.
Slow progress IS progress—so keep on moving, sister.
Helpful Blog Posts
You may find some of my other posts helpful.
Posts about slow progress and small steps
Posts about how husbands respond to our sexual growth
- After All That Effort, Now He’s the One Who Doesn’t Want Sex
- A Damaged Heart
- I Worked on Sex, and Then He Got Angry
- I’m Changing, but My Husband Doesn’t Seem to Notice
- Rebuilding His Trust
- What If Your Husband Responds Negatively to Your Sexual Changes?
- When You’ve Changed and Your Husband Has Stayed the Same
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Hi Chris. As
a husband I feel sad about this article. In my situation I would love to even be able to talk about our attitudes to sex but this isn’t about us today.
Sex is about feeling close to one another and it is up to both partners to work towards that. I really feel for wives whose husband’s say “You’re not trying hard enough” or ” You’re not good enough”. I’d like to think in that situation I would be grace-ful enough myself to hold my wife through this time, pray with and for her and give her all the encouragement she needs.
I pray now for wives whose husband’s are giving the message that you’re not good enough, with years, because our job is to love our lives and I know I made a promise nearly 30 years ago to love my wife “for better or worse”.
Thanks for the article.
Thanks for taking time to comment. I suspect that most of the time when husbands make these comments, it really comes out of their own frustration and hurt. It’s more challenging to be filled with grace in that situation. Thanks for praying for all these wives.
The third bullet point you said”
“But here’s what our men hear when we tell them we are working on sex: “I don’t love you enough to want to have sex with you naturally. I don’t want to do it. I have to make myself do it. It’s HARD to love you.”…You and I know that isn’t what we mean—but that’s what our husbands often hear. “
As a husband that statement is 100% exactly true. At least it was in my case. Sex often takes only 15 minutes or so. And husband cannot grasp how their wife can possibly love them, and then can’t even dedicate 15 minutes a couple times a week to be sexually intimate. Cannot believe that if they truly loved them, that sex ought to be work AT ALL.
It is true that invisible progress is in fact progress. But unless the wife shares the work she is doing, it is impossible for him to see and believe. It is HUGE if the wife shares the books she is reading or whatever it is that she is working on. Huge! Otherwise he won’t believe that she is working at all, or that it is just lip service to get him off her back.
Also correct that not hearing a sigh, or see the rolling of the eyes when he pats her bottom, or would like a hug etc. it IS possible to be seen. But ONLY if the husband has not checked out and is perceptive! I know I missed things until I had my own awakening and only then could I notice those small changes and progress.
Therefore it is imperative for wives working on sex that they share and continue doing the small things and persevere even in the face of apparent ignorance and obliviousness on the part your husband.
Another thing that happened to me, was that even when I DID finally recognize the changes. I never said or verbally let my wife know. I didn’t want to “jinx” the changes. (Didn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth) As there was a few times in the past where I did see, and then acknowledged the change, and for some unknown reason my wife stopped doing the very thing I acknowledged! So I didn’t want to make that mistake again.
I just will end by stating again to emphasize that indeed for most men, They in fact do primarily feel love via the vehicle of sex. NOTHING else even comes remotely close! So while other touching and respect and actions, etc are still important. But sex is like 90% of how they feel love, and all the rest make up together 10%. So while the 10% are still important. If those things are in isolation, and sexual intimacy is not present, then most husbands will be in significant pain and not really feel they are loved. So doing double or triple and going overtime on those other actions are good, but doesn’t “make up for” or even hold a candle or really have that much of an effect if sex is not happening and growing.
Yes this is one husband’s perspective, and understand the husbands have their share of work to meet their wife’s emotional needs to feel loved. So I hope the wives reading this will take it in the light in which I intend. To try to help wives really understand just how essential sexual intimacy is to most men.
Communication is absolutely vital. No matter how difficult it is and how much courage it takes to initiate and have those conversations. It is absolutely imperative. They are critical.
I do believe the two biggest misunderstandings of both spouses are:
1) the wife not understanding the critical importance of sex is to their husband to love and intimacy in the marriage.
2) the husband not understanding that his wife does not have the same sexual response that he has.
The ignorance on both spouses part creates unneeded conflict if only this “simple” (but not easy!) concept was taught in every church and certainly in pre marriage counseling. It would change the face of marriage, and I believe could dramatically reduce the divorce rate in our country and across the world.
My wife is post-abortive and has always said that with sex, she can take it or leave it. The onus is entirely on me to cut through her roadblocks to make it happen and I am the kind of guy that absolutely must have some level of reciprocity or I will just retreat to alternative means of satisfaction. This has become the pattern and I hate it.
There are very few resources on the web about post abortive wives and mostly it has to do with the pain and trauma leading to a hostility to sexual intimacy. She went through an abortion recovery group at church but there really was nothing for husbands who were not part of the abortions. The only invitation I got was to participate in the memorial service for the lost children. I declined because I felt that my needs had never been addressed in the entire process and I still feel that my needs have never been properly addressed in any context. No ministries at church and no ministries anywhere.
There is one Christian group in our large metro area that ministers to the fathers of aborted babies. I contacted them and they said my situation was not a good fit for them since my wife’s abortions occurred years ago before we ever met.
We had counseling but the counselor was incompetent and shut me down when I tried to bring up how little sex we were having. He believed that other issues needed to be dealt with first. But the first several sessions were mostly her issues with the children and the abortions never came up until the sixth session. Then the counselor seemed dumbfounded and his tone changed dramatically. I could tell he was incredulous when I brought up the abortions especially since my wife had failed to disclose this prior to our marriage and for the first five years we were married. After eight sessions we ran out of money and had to end the counseling before sex ever got addressed. I feel that counseling was one step forward and two steps back. It was definitely a rip-off.
But I also think that my marriage has been a ripoff. I get the kids and the responsibility of being a husband and father while her ex-boyfriends got all of the sex. I was a virgin before we were married and have always been very pro-life. If I had known about the abortions I may have never married her or at least would have insisted on a lot more pre-marital counseling. The only person, as it turns out, who even knew about the abortions was her best friend who drove her to the abortion clinic. Her parents found out when I did and the fathers of the babies were also never told.
Needless to say, I am at the point where I have shut down emotionally and I don’t even want to touch her because I am so angry. But I also refuse to allow pornography into my life because I know it is destructive, but in a twisted way I also don’t want her to be able to use it as an excuse to ban sex from our marriage entirely and treat me like a betrayer. I don’t feel like somebody who hid this terrible secret for so many years has any right to play the victim.
But I realize how unloving it is that I say this and I try as hard as I can to direct my anger at the former boyfriends but they knew nothing. I am still angry at the incompetent counselor but I also realize we can’t move forward without counseling from somebody who won’t treat sex like an afterthought or something optional in marriage.
I am outwardly supportive of her and probably had the text book perfect loving response of a Christian husband when she told me about the abortions. “I’m so glad you had the courage to tell me. I support your recovery totally and let’s pray together. Thank you for trusting me with this and I know it must be hard to deal with it.”
It was a total act. But what else was I going to say? Blow up at her and risk having her hate me forever? But in reality, I was shocked and stunned and have gotten angrier about it as time goes on. But I keep it all inside.
Where are the blog or the books or the wise counselors who understand what I am going through? Nowhere, as far as I can tell.
I want you to know you are not alone, and there are resources to help you. I want to recommend that you visit the Men & Abortion Network. Request a counselor/mentor and see what they recommend to you. You don’t have to act on their recommendation, but it will be good to have the information for yourself. Also, visit this blog and read through the posts. This is written by a friend of mine whose wife had an abortion. Although the circumstances are quite different, I think you’ll find that quite a bit resonates with you.
Although it doesn’t sound like your wife experienced sexual abuse or assault, you may find it helpful to read this post for husbands of sexual abuse survivors. Some of what the guest writer talks about is anger toward those who hurt his wife.
I experienced quite a bit of premarital sexual activity before marriage, and I know my husband felt similarly about how my ex-boyfriends got all the sex and he got the non-sexual version of me. I learned some wrong but long-lasting lessons about sex in those relationships. When my husband wanted to do the same things, I felt like I was the one who was ripped off. Here was this guy who was supposed to love me–the real me, the one in my heart, not just my parts, and he seemed to want sex all the time, too, just like those other guys had. Perhaps thinking about your wife’s experience and how it has all felt for her can help you find compassion that can help you work toward forgiveness. Although blowing up in anger wouldn’t be a useful response, I do think it is fair to tell her that you have struggled with this information and with the fact that she kept it from you for so long. Just ask her to pray for you.
Meanwhile, please pursue help for yourself. The right counselor or mentor can help you process your feelings in helpful and productive ways, and you may develop some tools that can help you talk about it with your wife.
Thank you for such an in depth response to my previous comment. I’m so pleased that you formed a post out of the subject that I and others can review again in hard times. Who knows, maybe even my husband will read it.
Your questions were a helpful inspiration for this post. It’s something many women have heard, and I thought it might be good to have a full post about it since not everyone reads the comments.
I have been following your blog for years. Your latest post describes the impasse we have come to so well. I have been rejected for fifty years. I love her, but I am deeply hurt. We have talked over the years, but she is never going to see marriage as a intimate relationship. It is full of love, but not intimacy. That is all she expects it to be and is happy. I am happy she is happy, but I still hurt.
Please keep spreading the message that love can be so much more.