God designed us as sexual beings.
We have sexual urges. We have a clitoris which serves no other purpose that providing a woman’s sexual pleasure. We get tingles when we are touched in certain ways. Even many of us who usually resist sex find that there is a particular time in the month when our hormones make us want to sexually connect with our men.
God made us with sexual parts, sexual feelings, and sexual pleasure.
So why does our sexuality make so many of us uncomfortable?
We often repress this part of who we are, thereby denying ourselves and our marriages the fullness of who God made us to be.
How can we learn to embrace the sexuality that we so often try to hide away?
Eliminate Negative Thoughts and Beliefs about Sex
What we think and believe shapes our overall attitude about sex and sexuality.
Do any of the beliefs below sound familiar? I held most of them at one time, and I can tell you that they are all wrong.
- Good girls don’t like sex. Women do enjoy sex. Remember the clitoris? Yeah, God’s idea.
- It is my husband’s job to make me feel sexual. It is not my husband’s responsibility to find amagic formula that enables me to embrace my own sexuality. My sexuality is part of how God designed me. It is on my shoulders, not my husband’s, to grow in the fullness of God’s design for me.
- Sex is physical and is therefore less important than other parts of life and marriage. While sex is physical, it isn’t only physical. It is also emotional and spiritual. And even if it were just physical, so what? God designed us with physical bodies, to experience physical needs and physical pleasure (more about this in a bit). Why reject part of God’s gift? God told us that we become one flesh in marriage. Sex is good and important in our marriages.
- My sexuality should look like a man’s. I thought my sexuality should look like a man’s: I should experience arousal at the sight of my husband’s naked body, I should orgasm easily, and I should be in the mood all the time. The fact that I didn’t have a sexuality like my husband’s made me think I wasn’t sexual. It turned out that the problem wasn’t a problem; it was just a normal difference between my husband’s sexuality and mine.
- I’m a mom. Moms aren’t sexual! Moms are, too, sexual. (Isn’t that how most of us become moms in the first place?) We play many roles in our lives: wife, mom, employee, sister, cook, lawn mower, committee member, etc. They are all part of who we are. Becoming a mom doesn’t eliminate sexuality.
- I’m post-menopausal. The sexual time in my life is over. Women can be sexual throughout their lives. In fact, when children are grown and gone and periods no longer get in the way, post-menopausal sex can be quite awesome.
It isn’t easy to change things you’ve believed for most of your life, but it is possible. When you have a negative thought pop into your head, take it captive. Replace it with positive thoughts about God’s gift of sexuality.
Enjoy Your Own Pleasure
The bible tells us a lot about sacrificing for others. It also says we should not love pleasure. (See 1 Thessalonians 4:4, 1 Timothy 5:6, Romans 12:1, 1 Corinthians 6:18-20, and Proverbs 21:17.)
As women, this often means that we put ourselves last and that we feel guilty about enjoying things that are pleasurable.
The bible doesn’t say we should never experience pleasure; rather, we shouldn’t let physical pleasure become an idol. If we become so focused on physical pleasure that we neglect other aspects of our marriage or other things God has called us to do, then yes, it is a problem. Otherwise, it is simply enjoying the bodies God gave us.
Sacrificing for others and avoiding an idol of pleasure do not preclude us from embracing our sexuality.
Sex is a gift from God to married couples. Although the mechanics of it are physical, it is so much more than simply physical pleasure.
God’s wondrous design of sex uses the physical joining of our bodies to connect us emotionally and spiritually with our husbands. The sexual aspect of our relationship is the means by which we become one flesh with our husbands. God designed us as sexual beings. Enjoying the physical pleasure (remember the clitoris?) is a part of that design.
If you have a long-time habit of repressing your own sexual tingles or putting everyone ahead of you, it can be tough to learn to value your own pleasure.
To develop a habit of enjoyment, begin by tending to non-sexual pleasures. Enjoy the relaxation of a luxurious bubble bath. Smell the flowers. Sit and enjoy a cup of coffee or tea rather than gulping it while you are running errands or doing chores. Appreciate the feeling of rubbing lotion onto your hands. Sit in the sunshine and enjoy the warmth.
In other words, learn to embrace non-sexual physical pleasures to help your mind become accustomed to enjoying physical pleasure. This habit of enjoying physical pleasure can make it easier for us to begin to then embrace sexual pleasure.
God gave you a body, and it is good to enjoy the many things it can do—including sex.
Claim Your Connubial Bliss
We are bombarded by messages about men and sex. Sex is mostly for men. We should have sex because our husbands need it. Men want sex too much. Movies are filled with images of how sex is supposed to happen. Many of us are influenced by false images of sex and sexuality from porn that is structured around the male gaze. We develop idealized visions of romance and emotional connection from movies or novels.
In all of this, we can lose an important message: sex is for women, too.
We develop habits of quickies because that is all that is necessary for a husband’s orgasm. When our husbands finish, sex is over. We do what our husbands want sexually but somehow don’t get around to thinking about–or asking for–what we want. We give up on our own pursuit of orgasm because it’s taking so much time.
Let’s just stop that, okay?
Your marriage bed belongs to both of you, not just to your husband.
You both have conjugal rights, not just him. So what does this mean?
- Tell your husband what you would like sexually. Tell him where you want to be touched, how you want to be touched, how fast you would like things to go. Let him know when something feels really good and ask him to keep doing that for a while.
- If your husband has an orgasm before you do, that doesn’t mean sex is over. Tell him you’d like to keep on going. An erect penis is not the only way your husband can please you. Ask for more. Expect more.
- Take the time that you need. If it takes you 45 minutes of cuddling before you’re ready to get your sexy on, then take the 45 minutes. Don’t give up 20 minutes in because you think your husband might be bored. It takes you however long it takes you. If you really have time only for a quickie for your husband, that’s fine; just be sure to ask for something for yourself later that night, even if your husband isn’t up to doing anything for himself.
God designed us as sexual beings.
It is up to us to fully embrace the wonderful God-given gift of our sexuality.
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Be sure to read these recent posts on other blogs about women’s sexuality.
- Getting Back to Holy Sex: What If Women Are Very Sexual? The Generous Husband
- Good Girls Like Sex, The Generous Wife
- Sex Lies. What If…, The XY Code
Image credit | juanvaldez at pixabay.com
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Chris – glad to have your voice on this. May the lies fall!
Thanks, Paul. God’s truth about women’s sexuality is so much better than what so many of us have believed.
I think tis part is especially important-“Take the time that you need. If it takes you 45 minutes of cuddling before you’re ready to get your sexy on, then take the 45 minutes. Don’t give up 20 minutes in because you think your husband might be bored.”
Too many times during sex, my wife will give up on herself, because it’s taking too long, while I usually try to make things last as long as possible, without losing her.
Ladies, I promise you, we men do NOT get bored when it comes to sex and intimacy, as long as we know the connection is coming. We’re always looking for the formula to make it happen. Not just sex, but your enjoyment of sex.
This is excellent, Chris. I think that you, Lori and Paul were on the same wave length last week!
Thanks, Gaye. It’s funny how that happens sometimes.
There are so many times your article says something that I have had on my mind. I have tried to express to my wife the last part of you article many times. Sex isn’t just for the man, it’s for both. I sent your link to my wife and told her “You are VERY important to me. I WANT to meet ALL your needs.
She did say it was a good article. I hope she starts communicating what she would like, what feels good, etc. In another article Chris, you talked about how important it is to men to know their wives are enjoying intimacy.
I work very hard to meet my wife’s needs, I can’t imagine not putting her first.
I’m so glad your wife had a positive response to the post. Women often have a difficult relationship with their own sexuality. It is good for you to support your wife in figuring this out.
This post is so spot on, and you’re so right about telling your husband what you want and about doing away with the notion that good girls don’t like sex. I enjoy more aggressive lovemaking (the pounding variety!) and thought for the longest time that was almost “too naughty” for a “good girl” to enjoy. Silly me!
I’m glad you’ve figured out what you enjoy!
I have been married for many years and can count on 1 hand how many times I’ve orgasmed. My husband hasn’t really known what to do, nor acted like he cared to know. I think he just thinks sex is great for both of us (I have never faked it). But he never asks me about my pleasure even after I ask him. I asked him before too if it bothered him that I didn’t orgasm, he said no. But hasn’t really made an effort to figure out why I don’t. I told him sometime I feel used. He’s been trying to do things more manually, but I still feel like he doesn’t enjoy it. So I always stop it. I have no confidence in him actually wanting me. He doesn’t ever say he’s attracted to me but maybe once in a blue moon when we go on a date. I cry after sex almost every time, but I know he loves me and respects me, but I feel disrespected and used every time. We’re not supposed to withhold sex, but I can’t figure out what to do. I feel like he’s over the conversation if I bring it up again. He’s said before he thinks it would be cool if we could orgasm the same time. But if I can’t even one time I don’t know what he’s thinking? How do I tell him he’s horrible at pleasuring me. I try to show him sometimes, but again I feel like he’s bored, so I just go straight to sex. We have sex only once a week so he doesn’t really last long. It’s always over after he finishes. I honestly want to give up on sex, but I know the bible says I can’t. Do I just deal with the tears every time. I love him and actually enjoy sex for the most part, just get frustrated that it always just seems about him and am more frustrated that he has never cared, so if anything changes it will just seem so fake. What’s a girl to do 🙁
I am not an expert (at all!) but I will say that my husband and I had to have conversations related to this topic MANY times over the course of our marriage. I often felt like he wasn’t paying attention to what “worked” for me sexually, and he felt frustrated because he didn’t really understand what I needed. I had to bring it up many more times than I wanted to, and some of the conversations were difficult. Part of the problem was that I had to figure out what I needed and how to express it clearly – before I did that, I spent a lot of time just “hoping” that things would straighten themselves out. My husband needed to make some changes too, but I could only change myself. Eventually, we got much better at understanding and meeting each other’s needs.
Nola, it may be time to be blunt. Tell him that it bothers you that you don’t orgasm. Tell him or show him how you need him to touch you. I have often had to fight concerns about my husband being bored. It still is difficult for me, but I have to remind myself that it is my marriage bed as much as it is my husband’s. Rather than give up on sex, claim it for yourself. Tell your husband very frankly that sex is frustrating for you and that you need him to make some effort: you need his touch, you need him to ask you what you need, and that by the time he’s finished, you’re finally getting started. Tell him directly, because men will say they don’t pick up on hints well. Ask him what he is willing to do.
Let me ask you this: do you know what it necessary for you to orgasm? Some women find that it is helpful to spend some time alone exploring their bodies. Even if you aren’t trying to have an orgasm, when you’re alone without the pressure if your husband’s desire, you might find yourself able to relax enough to pay attention to what kinds of touch gives you sexy tingles. If you know these things for yourself, it can help you teach your husband what you need him to know.
I’m so sorry that sex leaves you in tears of feeling used. I have known that feeling many times. Your husband isn’t going to figure this out on his own, so it is up to you to tell him. I know it isn’t easy–but it does get easier with practice. Hang in there.