God designed us as sexual beings.
We have sexual urges. We have a clitoris which serves no other purpose that providing a woman’s sexual pleasure. We get tingles when we are touched in certain ways. Even many of us who usually resist sex find that there is a particular time in the month when our hormones make us want to sexually connect with our men.
God made us with sexual parts, sexual feelings, and sexual pleasure.
So why does our sexuality make so many of us uncomfortable?
We often repress this part of who we are, thereby denying ourselves and our marriages the fullness of who God made us to be.
How can we learn to embrace the sexuality that we so often try to hide away?
Eliminate Negative Thoughts and Beliefs about Sex
What we think and believe shapes our overall attitude about sex and sexuality.
Do any of the beliefs below sound familiar? I held most of them at one time, and I can tell you that they are all wrong.
- Good girls don’t like sex. Women do enjoy sex. Remember the clitoris? Yeah, God’s idea.
- It is my husband’s job to make me feel sexual. It is not my husband’s responsibility to find amagic formula that enables me to embrace my own sexuality. My sexuality is part of how God designed me. It is on my shoulders, not my husband’s, to grow in the fullness of God’s design for me.
- Sex is physical and is therefore less important than other parts of life and marriage. While sex is physical, it isn’t only physical. It is also emotional and spiritual. And even if it were just physical, so what? God designed us with physical bodies, to experience physical needs and physical pleasure (more about this in a bit). Why reject part of God’s gift? God told us that we become one flesh in marriage. Sex is good and important in our marriages.
- My sexuality should look like a man’s. I thought my sexuality should look like a man’s: I should experience arousal at the sight of my husband’s naked body, I should orgasm easily, and I should be in the mood all the time. The fact that I didn’t have a sexuality like my husband’s made me think I wasn’t sexual. It turned out that the problem wasn’t a problem; it was just a normal difference between my husband’s sexuality and mine.
- I’m a mom. Moms aren’t sexual! Moms are, too, sexual. (Isn’t that how most of us become moms in the first place?) We play many roles in our lives: wife, mom, employee, sister, cook, lawn mower, committee member, etc. They are all part of who we are. Becoming a mom doesn’t eliminate sexuality.
- I’m post-menopausal. The sexual time in my life is over. Women can be sexual throughout their lives. In fact, when children are grown and gone and periods no longer get in the way, post-menopausal sex can be quite awesome.
It isn’t easy to change things you’ve believed for most of your life, but it is possible. When you have a negative thought pop into your head, take it captive. Replace it with positive thoughts about God’s gift of sexuality.
Enjoy Your Own Pleasure
As women, this often means that we put ourselves last and that we feel guilty about enjoying things that are pleasurable.
The bible doesn’t say we should never experience pleasure; rather, we shouldn’t let physical pleasure become an idol. If we become so focused on physical pleasure that we neglect other aspects of our marriage or other things God has called us to do, then yes, it is a problem. Otherwise, it is simply enjoying the bodies God gave us.
Sacrificing for others and avoiding an idol of pleasure do not preclude us from embracing our sexuality.
Sex is a gift from God to married couples. Although the mechanics of it are physical, it is so much more than simply physical pleasure.
God’s wondrous design of sex uses the physical joining of our bodies to connect us emotionally and spiritually with our husbands. The sexual aspect of our relationship is the means by which we become one flesh with our husbands. God designed us as sexual beings. Enjoying the physical pleasure (remember the clitoris?) is a part of that design.
If you have a long-time habit of repressing your own sexual tingles or putting everyone ahead of you, it can be tough to learn to value your own pleasure.
To develop a habit of enjoyment, begin by tending to non-sexual pleasures. Enjoy the relaxation of a luxurious bubble bath. Smell the flowers. Sit and enjoy a cup of coffee or tea rather than gulping it while you are running errands or doing chores. Appreciate the feeling of rubbing lotion onto your hands. Sit in the sunshine and enjoy the warmth.
In other words, learn to embrace non-sexual physical pleasures to help your mind become accustomed to enjoying physical pleasure. This habit of enjoying physical pleasure can make it easier for us to begin to then embrace sexual pleasure.
God gave you a body, and it is good to enjoy the many things it can do—including sex.
Claim Your Connubial Bliss
We are bombarded by messages about men and sex. Sex is mostly for men. We should have sex because our husbands need it. Men want sex too much. Movies are filled with images of how sex is supposed to happen. Many of us are influenced by false images of sex and sexuality from porn that is structured around the male gaze. We develop idealized visions of romance and emotional connection from movies or novels.
In all of this, we can lose an important message: sex is for women, too.
We develop habits of quickies because that is all that is necessary for a husband’s orgasm. When our husbands finish, sex is over. We do what our husbands want sexually but somehow don’t get around to thinking about–or asking for–what we want. We give up on our own pursuit of orgasm because it’s taking so much time.
Let’s just stop that, okay?
Your marriage bed belongs to both of you, not just to your husband.
You both have conjugal rights, not just him. So what does this mean?
- Tell your husband what you would like sexually. Tell him where you want to be touched, how you want to be touched, how fast you would like things to go. Let him know when something feels really good and ask him to keep doing that for a while.
- If your husband has an orgasm before you do, that doesn’t mean sex is over. Tell him you’d like to keep on going. An erect penis is not the only way your husband can please you. Ask for more. Expect more.
- Take the time that you need. If it takes you 45 minutes of cuddling before you’re ready to get your sexy on, then take the 45 minutes. Don’t give up 20 minutes in because you think your husband might be bored. It takes you however long it takes you. If you really have time only for a quickie for your husband, that’s fine; just be sure to ask for something for yourself later that night, even if your husband isn’t up to doing anything for himself.
God designed us as sexual beings.
It is up to us to fully embrace the wonderful God-given gift of our sexuality.
Be sure to read these recent posts on other blogs about women’s sexuality.
- Getting Back to Holy Sex: What If Women Are Very Sexual? The Generous Husband
- Good Girls Like Sex, The Generous Wife
- Sex Lies. What If…, The XY Code
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