Just as there are many different reasons a woman might struggle with sex in her marriage, there are lots of different reasons she might not be ready to work on sex just yet.
Some of these reasons may be more excuses than reasons (not wanting her husband to “win” when it comes to sex, which was part of my own story), and some reasons are things that she can change by letting go of some responsibilities or expectations (volunteering for too many things at church or thinking that everything in the house has to be perfect).
But there are some reasons that may genuinely get in the way—even for a woman who has decided that she should work on sex:
- She has a physical condition that saps her of both physical and mental energy.
- She is out of touch with her own body and with her sexuality.
- She is physically and emotionally drained due to a challenging season of life.
- Her husband frequently asks her for sexual acts that she has clearly said she is uncomfortable with.
- Her mental health makes the idea of working on sex too overwhelming, such as if she has untreated depression.
- Her physical health makes sex difficult, uncomfortable, or painful.
- Her relationship with her husband has a long-time pattern of difficult communication and conflict, and she doesn’t know how to unharden her heart.
- She has a lot of raw and unhealed places from past trauma.
- Her husband is in unrepentant sin against her, perhaps continuing to view pornography or controlling or manipulating her.
- She is working through her own sexual baggage.
- She isn’t convinced that God really did design sex to be for her and not just for her husband.
- She isn’t yet sure her husband is emotionally trustworthy, either because of his past actions or due to her own issues with trust.
If you are dealing with these things, you simply may not be in a place where you can reasonably work on your thoughts and actions when it comes to sex. If you are not sufficiently healed from your own wounds, the thought of addressing sex may be overwhelming or even terrifying.
At the same time, you may be able to recognize that sex is a problem in your marriage. Your husband feels unloved and rejected, you don’t feel close to him, and you know that what you have isn’t what God really wants for your marriage.
4 Things to Help You Move Forward
If you know you need to work on sex but you aren’t yet ready to, what CAN you do? How can you feel like you’re moving forward and better prepare for when you are ready to work on sex?
1. Pursue your own healing and wholeness.
If you have physical or mental health problems, seek treatment from a doctor. If you are dealing with past trauma or are saddled with difficult baggage, work with a counselor who specializes in the area where you need help. Seek the healing that you need—not because it’s what your marriage needs, but because it is what you need for yourself.
As you continue to heal, you should find that you are stronger and better able to do the things necessary to work on sex. When you are working from a position of strength, joy, and contentment, it is easier to clearly see what you need to do and it’s easier to actually do whatever that is.
2. Acknowledge the positives in your husband.
By the time I realized I needed to work on sex, I had a pretty negative view about everything my husband was doing. If he told me I was beautiful, I assumed that he was saying it only because he wanted sex. If he brought me a cup of coffee, I assumed he was trying to butter me up so I would say yes to sex. If he did, well, anything at all positive, I believed the worst. When I made a decision to stop making assumptions about my husband’s motives, I was surprised to realize that he was expressing love quite often—and NOT just to get sex.
Pay attention to what your husband does that could be viewed as an expression of love from him. Does he do something with one of your children? Does he pour your coffee for you? Even something as simple as going to work to provide for your family is a way of caring.
Look for the positive things he does—and then be sure to thank him. It will be good for you to be intentional about seeing good things in your husband (especially if past relationship difficulties are part of your struggle with sex), and it will be good for him to know that you see the good things he does. Do this every day. If you need help getting this habit started, set a reminder on your phone: Look for the good.
Choosing to see the positive can help soften your heart toward your husband, and it can give you a more balanced perspective of him.
3. Show your husband love.
Do something to love your husband every day, even if it is a very small thing. Pour his coffee for him. Sit next to him at the table rather than between two of your kids. Touch his shoulder as you walk past him. Smile at him when he comes home. Maintain eye contact with him when you are talking with each other. Help him with a chore without being asked.
Although we often think of love as a romantic feeling, I think it’s more accurate to say that love is a decision and an action. Look for ways to love your husband through your actions—and you may find that your heart follows.
4. Pray.
Pray for your own healing and growth. Pray to be made ready to work on sex. Pray for your husband’s walk with Jesus. Pray for your husband to feel loved. Pray to love him in the way he needs to be loved.
If you do just one thing on this list, do this one. Prayer is never the wrong choice.
If you know you need to work on sex but you aren’t quite yet ready, pursuing healing, seeing the positives in your husband, showing him love, and praying might be the very things that help you move forward and become ready.
Image credit | MabelAmber at pixabay.com
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Ladies, if you're interested in joining me for a study of Juli Slattery's new book God, Sex, and Your Marriage, time is running out! Our study begins with introductions on February 26, 2023, but the study will be open to join until March 5.
For me it has to be the second one. After a sexless marriage of two decades I’m definitely out of touch with my body. Having said that though, after some months of making time for each other with weekends away, long walks together, watching each other’s TV programs (together) and just generally communicating more we have had a breakthrough in sexual intimacy. A vacation in the sun recently and a determination on my part to begin to change things finally unlocked a door which has been well and truly bolted for many years. Our marriage has never been loveless, we have never spoken harsh words or been unkind to each other and no one ever ‘refused’ sex. Of course all marriages are different, but all sexless marriages are different too. There were a myriad of ‘reasons’, all of the reasons ever mentioned on these blogs, until habits became entrenched and ingrained. Now, I know that our sex life will probably not become what it should have been (we are both in our 60s) and I must admit, sex was never good even before the long drought, but the difference now is that we are beginning to communicate about sex which we never did before. However we move on and wherever our intimacy journey takes us, it has got to be one hundred percent better than it was for all those years. It already is.
Praise God that you’ve experienced a breakthrough! Honest and heartfelt communication about sex can help build your intimacy even further. We, too, have lost many of the good years when our bodies were more sexually cooperative–but what we have now is wonderful and sweet. Sounds like that’s true for you as well. Keep at it!