Note of caution: this post is exactly what you think it’s about. If you are uncomfortable reading about male body parts, you may want to stop reading.
Yesterday I encouraged you to think about asking your husband, “What do you want?”
Today, I’m going to write about one specific thing that many women will hear when they ask that question: oral sex. No, I’m not going to give you, um, blow-by-blow instructions. Others can do that far better than I. What I’d like to talk about is how to mentally move from a state of “You want me to do what?!” to a state of “I’ve found my new superpower, and it is my mouth.” This is about how to get yourself more comfortable with the idea of oral sex and work yourself up to it.
Why oral sex anyway? It feels good. It is solely about the man’s pleasure, so it makes him feel well cared for and special. It shows him that you accept the core of his manhood in a way that he can literally see. A man knows that his wife is actively engaged, not just lying back passively.
Women, we can know all this intellectually. We can understand it in our hearts. But if we have never attempted it, if we tried it and had problems, or if it’s been a looooong time since we’ve done it, it can be hard to know where to begin. Even when our hearts want us to bless our husband and honor his request, it just isn’t likely that we’re going to become a deep throat diva overnight.
I believe in the value of small steps and the importance of remembering that slow progress is still progress. With that in mind, I’d like to suggest some steps you can take if you want to honor your husband’s request for oral sex.
1. Commit to it. Don’t just think that maybe you’ll give it a try some day. Promise yourself that you will figure it out. If the idea just grosses you out, work on it. If you aren’t comfortable talking to women in your real life about this, search for assistance online. Participate in Christian marriage forums, visit blogs by Christian wives, read what other women have to say–not only about how to do it but about why they like to do it for their husbands. Commit to figuring this out so you can bless your husband.
At this point, you don’t need to commit to how far it will go. If the thought of deep throating or even having him ejaculate in your mouth is too much for you right now, set that aside until you’re further along in the process. Remember that oral sex feels awesome to him for as long as you can do it–and if you are ready to give him a happy ending in another way, you’re still making progress.
2. Cozy up to his penis. Get comfortable touching it and looking at it closely. Remind yourself that his penis is for you, not just for him. If you have concerns about cleanliness, ask your husband to take a good scrubby shower first. (If he knows what he’ll get out of it, he probably won’t mind.) Let yourself be amazed at the contrast between soft skin and hard flesh. Get familiar with how it responds to your touch. Get to know all the other zones around the penis (not just the scrotum ).Use touch to get to know your man’s manhood.
3. Put your mouth to his manhood. Maybe you’ll need to work up to it. Start by having your face near the penis while you’re touching it. Let him feel your breath. When you’re ready, kiss it–on the shaft, on the tip, where ever. Once you’re comfortable kissing it, add an occasional lick. All this can be done without actually putting it into your mouth. Then, when you’re ready, put his manhood in your mouth. Start with just the head. Allow yourself to get comfortable slowly. It may take you a few weeks to get to this point. Once you’re ready, put his manhood as far in your mouth as you find comfortable. And then let him tell you what he’d like you to do with your tongue and lips.
4. But what about . . . ? Men hear all sorts of reasons why women don’t want to provide them with oral sex: she can’t breathe, she has a gag reflex, semen is gross, etc. I’m going to address these and more in an upcoming post. (If you have any specific reasons you’d like me to tackle, send me an email and I’ll see what I can do.)
If you commit to this and follow through, you will see what a blessing it is to your husband. It may not seem easy at first, but it is worth the effort.
Selflessly giving my husband that pleasure, experiencing his responses, and knowing how much this act means to him emotionally as well as physically blesses me in return. It is when I am the most giving and selfless that I most feel myself to be the one God designed for my husband’s joy. The experience moves me to tears every single time.
Are you ready to provide some oral blessings in your marriage?
Oral Blessings Series
Image courtesy of Patchareeya99 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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Hey there,
Your blog is so perfect for me to read!… as I deal with very similar issues as what you share. It never ceases to amaze me how something will cross my mind (& heart) & then there it’ll be right on your blog. Thank you for sharing all that you do. I so Very much appreciate it!!! I wish I could write so well. You do it eloquently. I read & enjoy so many blogs, but yours is one of all-time my faves!
Thanks, Michelle. I’m just sharing my heart. I’m glad my posts have been helpful to you.
ForgivenWife, you have likely changed lives and marriages with your open clarity on this subject. thank you on behalf of all.
It’s good that you posted this because oral s NOT what I was imagining when you posted the “ask what he wants” post. I thought it was something much more controversial and painful.
My husband had several responses to the question, and oral was one of them. The response I wrote about in the other post was something different; it was very difficult for me but not painful. It might not be difficult at all for another woman.
I can tell newbies that it is WAY easier to give fellatio in the 69 style! Trying to do it kneeling in front of him is a gag, literally for me! (For those who don’t know, 69 is where your heads are at each other’s crotches.)
The important thing is to try different positions until you find the one that works best. Sometimes I’ll use different positions in the same session to vary the stimulation for him as well as limit my own discomfort.
I used to hate the gag reflex, but I now use it to my advantage. I hope this will not offend anyone, but I actually USE my gag reflex for more lubrication. I did not know about this until recently as I was reading up on it, but it really works!
I absolutely LOVE doing this now, where I didn’t in the past. And I have reached the point of swallowing and I’ve found how to do it without any problems. But I read and read and read and read about it and really worked at my attitude.
I’m glad you found a way to turn a problem into a bonus!
what did you read and where?
Some of the blog posts I find helpful regarding oral sex are listed at the end of my “Oral Blessings – More Resources” post at http://forgivenwife.com/2013/05/21/oral-blessings-more-resources/.
I also recommend becoming a member of The Marriage Bed forums and reading through the Oral Sex section.
Literally, I put in “How to give a killer blow job” into my search engine search bar and just started to reading through the results. Yes, a lot of info is secular, but, I did learn a lot of useful information.
…you throw up in your mouth a little bit in order to be able to tolerate it?
She said that the lets the “vomit” (in quotation marks because it isn’t completely clear that’s what she is saying) serve a purpose since it’s there anyway. That’s quite different from doing something on purpose (“in order to,” as you say) to get used to something unpleasant.
Your last paragraph is right on!!
This is a great and helpful essay. Point 1 above, Commit to it, is right on target for 2 major reasons. First, so many problems or “issues” in marital intimacy involve mental blocks or worries. These can be overcome, and then most other concerns fade away on their own. Make the mental commitment that you will give oral sex a try with an open mind. Secondly, as in the essay, work up to things at your own pace! The combination of a mental commitment, open mind, and taking small steps may lead you to the pleasant surprise that oral sex can be enjoyable for you as well as for your husband. Once you reach a good comfort level, you will likely not have problems with any aspect of the oral sex (including accepting his ejaculation).
Yes, oral sex IS a blessing for both the husband AND for the wife. It enhances emotional intimacy. Sorry to get so long winded.
I really like what this article has to say and not necessary due to the direct topic!
To me, that’s what love and marriage IS all about. It’s doing for one another to provide comfort and pleasure. I am so tired of hearing people complain and feeling as though my own emotions, desires, and even worth are deemed with so little regard to marital bond.
Life is just SO short yet here we have stupid problems that could so easily be prevented if people would simply do for one another.
I would do just about anything for my wife if she requested it.
Other side of the coin, my requests are apparently too much although I want so little from her.
Basically, I just want a constant relationship and I DESPISE living like roommates.
My husband once felt the same way–and sadly, I was just as unhappy as he was. What do you think is stopping your wife from changing?
I truly haven’t the even the slightest idea. I’m sure there’s some hidden or unspoken resentment (certainly anger) but it’s always been this way. I think there’s some “taboo” mixed in with it – I dunno.
Over 26 years and it’s the same yesterday as it is today.
I thought marriage was about GROWING old together not roommates living together for a lengthy time.
Loneliness is the worst prison. It’s not about sex as much as it is about knowing another person actually “wants and desires” you because intimacy always grows when two people lay down their lives for the other.
If she has resentment, she will have to deal with that. Do you think she would like to see any changes in your marriage, or are you the only one who is unhappy and lonely?
It would be arrogant of me to say that she does not carry unhappiness. I’m always trying to figure it out and deal with it. When I witness the loneliness (again) I know there exists something that prevents her from being able to give herself entirely to me. If I bring it up (again) then I sound like a broken record of hey, lets work on this. Hey, lets fix this. Hey, where are you?! Hey, are you absolutely sure you want to be here? I’ve been beat up much less in the past by other people and never stuck around to permit it to occur again so why would anyone permit this to go on and on. Who enjoys loneliness? Sure, I like having a friend to rely on and a partner to assist but I didn’t get married for those reasons – I married because I wanted a lover. True?
Totally agree with the last sentence and much of what was before that. I have said the same things to my wife.
What do I think stops my wife from making changes? A confluence of things.
Her mother was a big prude. A few years after she passed away my father in law for some reason ( I can’t remember what we were talking about) volunteered that to me. While she was a nice person, faithful, etc., I was not surprised. My wife is also a very nice person and is well thought of by just about everyone. But inside our marriage where no one sees, at least when it comes to sex, she has been for most of our marriage stingy and prudish and stubborn and cold. That we have these problems would be a big big shock to our children and to our friends and to people at church. In just about all of the areas of her life and with just about everyone she is responsible, a self starter, confidence, out going, etc. But with sex she is pretty much like her older sister, who is completely dysfunctional, and her son (over 40, never married, no job, when he has had a job in the past he was fired and of course it was always someone else’s fault, lives with his mom and just sponges off of her). They have decided that the world is a certain way, that everything should revolve around them, that they don’t need to make any changes in how they live their do nothing lives, and any messages to the contrary are rejected and anyone who sends such messages to them, whether out of frustration or love, is labeled a bad person. That included my excellent father in law until he passed away.
Another problem is that my wife also can’t say no to anyone. Except the end result of all those yes answers to everyone else is she has ended up saying no to me, all the time. She once told me that sex was something you could do when all the work was done. Well, once you have 3 or more kids the work is never done. So how can that compute?
It has started to get a little better the last several month, but why? I have no idea.
And oral sex? No way on her part. Am I really that interested in it? I have no idea, as we have never really tried it, because, well, I don’t know why because she won’t talk about it.
Sex is too important to leave for after chores are done. It is part of what cements the marital relationship that provides the foundation of the family. I’m sorry it took me so long to learn this lesson. I hope things continue to get better. When things have been consistently better for a few months, send her the link to this article. Sex is not the gravy of the relationship; it’s the potatoes.
With respect, it’s not solely about the man’s pleasure. The lips are an incredible erogenous zone. Sometimes I feel selfish because fellatio is often about my own pleasure, especially when I repeatedly climax and he gets only one chance! Mostly I think it’s a mindset and a major turn-on for us both.
That’s an excellent point! I’ve occasionally experienced orgasm myself while performing oral sex–without any touching on me.
Many thanks to the respect dare for linking to your blog. If you had 60,000 hits yesterday, that was me. I’ve been married over a decade and for the last 1 1/2 years have been on a mission to understand unconditional respect and true godly femininity. In that time, our sex life has exploded!! Oral sex has always been a part of our marriage. I have never been one to have in finish in my mouth often though. I would do it, but rarely! I’ve noticed though in the last 6 months, I’ve done it less and less. And in the last month, he’s been relentless with the “blow job jokes” to the point where I was getting highly annoyed. After chatting this out with my best friend — we agreed, the jokes were him asking for it more, in a funny manner so if I rejected him, he could say he was just kidding around. I directly asked him if he wanted it more, but he side stepped the question by saying no – but I knew better.
I think I became complacent in my mind that as long as we’re having sex 5-6 times per week, sometimes multiple times a day (I TOLD you our sex life exploded!!) and he gets to finish – who cares if it is always through hand jobs and sex. He gets to finish.
This paragraph hit me in the gut!
Why oral sex anyway? It feels good. It is solely about the man’s pleasure, so it makes him feel well cared for and special. It shows him that you accept the core of his manhood in a way that he can literally see. A man knows that his wife is actively engaged, not just lying back passively.
Right! Duh. It feels good. It feels different. It’s a different visual. It’s truly accepting him in a different way. It’s actively engaged.
So — I resolved to pray to love doing it. To, dare I say, LOVE the taste (God is in the business of miracles!) and step it back up.
Yesterday after supper. I locked us in the bedroom and took care of business. He was floored. It was good. And they lived happily ever after…..
That is a helpful suggestion for wives and even for the husbands with inhibitions or reluctance to give oral sex to their spouse – pray about it. And, for the husbands, it is more than just physical when the wife gives oral sex. ForgivenWife’s paragraph you quote is spot on. But, the giving spouse can also enjoy the fact that he/she is blessing their spouse in such a special way.
LOL! You go, girl! More power to you!!
This comment was submitted by a woman who asked that I post it for her:
Many thanks to the respect dare for linking to your blog. If you had 60,000 hits yesterday, that was me. I’ve been married over a decade and for the last 1 1/2 years have been on a mission to understand unconditional respect and true godly femininity. In that time, our sex life has exploded!! Oral sex has always been a part of our marriage. I have never been one to have in finish in my mouth often though. I would do it, but rarely! I’ve noticed though in the last 6 months, I’ve done it less and less. And in the last month, he’s been relentless with the “blow job jokes” to the point where I was getting highly annoyed. After chatting this out with my best friend — we agreed, the jokes were him asking for it more, in a funny manner so if I rejected him, he could say he was just kidding around. I directly asked him if he wanted it more, but he side stepped the question by saying no – but I knew better.
I think I became complacent in my mind that as long as we’re having sex 5-6 times per week, sometimes multiple times a day (I TOLD you our sex life exploded!!) and he gets to finish – who cares if it is always through hand jobs and sex. He gets to finish.
This paragraph hit me in the gut!
Why oral sex anyway? It feels good. It is solely about the man’s pleasure, so it makes him feel well cared for and special. It shows him that you accept the core of his manhood in a way that he can literally see. A man knows that his wife is actively engaged, not just lying back passively.
Right! Duh. It feels good. It feels different. It’s a different visual. It’s truly accepting him in a different way. It’s actively engaged.
So — I resolved to pray to love doing it. To, dare I say, LOVE the taste (God is in the business of miracles!) and step it back up.
Yesterday after supper. I locked us in the bedroom and took care of business. He was floored. It was good. And they lived happily ever after…..
So you’re the reason by traffic numbers were up, eh? Thanks for reading. I’m so glad that paragraph had an impact. I think it is so much more than the physical sensations for our husbands–much more than I had ever realized. I’m glad you were able to knock your husband’s socks off. Enjoy your happily ever after!
Ladies, as a Christian husband for 40 years, let me confirm what ForgivenWife and many of these posters are saying. Receiving oral sex, especially oral sex to orgasm, is an exquisite and intensely personal joy.
Consider something you’d really just love. A week in Maui at a nice resort. A week of fresh beautiful flowers every day. Your absolutely favorite chocolate treat, just the right amount, every day for a week. A brand new outfit that looks perfect on you. A warm and lovely feeling of love from your child or grandchild – all week. Who knows, maybe a new motorcycle (jk)!
Okay — that amount of pleasure or happiness or satisfaction — is the the same as when you give oral sex to orgasm just once to your husband. That’s true if he is 22 or 62 (I’ve been both).
Please consider my appeal to you on behalf of husbands everywhere — and if you are already doing this, my public expression of gratitude from all of us.
[The TMI part — but it is important. (1) if you want him to shower real clean first, just ask him. Only an idiot guy would argue back. (2) if you don’t want to swallow, don’t, no real problem. (3) sucking but then licking during the orgasm part, is a very close second place good option. (4) try to do it a least once a month. (5) whether outright or in some subtle way, feel free to ask for the sexual favor you enjoy (if he is physically capable) as an exchange (maybe you’ll need to shower first, too 🙂 )]
As I understand the Scripture, there is nothing gross or wrong about oral sex in marriage. If you care about your husband, if you appreciate what he’s doing for you or the family, this maybe 10 minutes of special care will keep him going and going like an energizer bunny.
I do not mind giving at all.. but I am a high drive wife.. is ok to ask for an orgasm as well after pleasing him? If tables were turned I would not want to only have “ attention” and him be frustrated?
It is absolutely okay. A sexual encounter should be pleasing to both spouses, and if one wants an orgasm after the other has had one, they should figure out how to make that happen.
Thank you Chris ( I had emailed you a longer version). ☺️ I feel like it not a gift that way? Yet, with a high drive myself, I feel like I would be terribly frustrated:) and if tables were turned, I would not want my hubby feeling that way! I’m still a work in progress on speaking up/communicating even after all these years of marriage .
It’s still a gift–but maybe it’s helpful to think of it as a gift exchange rather than something that is one-sided. 🙂 My view is that any time one spouse offers a sexual gift or blessing to the other, there should be an understanding that the giving spouse will have the opportunity of an orgasm as well. That could include the well-sated spouse holding the other who is self-stimulating at the time. Sexual encounters should build intimacy, not frustration.
That is perfect! Thank you, Chris! I appreciate you.. I’m still a work in progress !
Love your articles. I have to take a med that kills my libido. One of the things that I found out that I do enjoy doing is pleasing my husband orally.
You’re so loving to provide oral sex even when your own libido isn’t fantastic. Some libido-killing medications have good alternatives, but others don’t, unfortunately. I’m glad you’ve found something you can enjoy.