In this morning’s sermon, our pastor talked about the battle to stay faithful, especially when being faithful means setting aside old ways. He said, “We all have days when the past threatens to reach up and pull us down.” It is too difficult to engage in the future, which is unknown and scary, when our past ways are just reaching out to us.
He talked a bit about 12-step programs (several meet in our church building) and how they teach us the value of 1) taking just one step at a time, and 2) being faithful in the present moment. Too many of our present moments are caught up in the effort to not be like the past or to worry about the future. Just be faithful, right now, one day at a time…or one hour at a time….or one moment at a time.
The effort to change a sexual relationship to bring a marriage closer to God’s best for us is the same way. Too often, we are caught up in the past (previous sexual experiences, bad teachings about sex, dysfunctional families) or questioning the future (will sex tonight create an expectation of sex tomorrow, how will we pay the bills, will I ever be able to clean a room and have it stay that way for an entire hour). We need to remember the value of living our marriages in the present moment. Right now, what can I do about my marriage? Today, how can I let my husband know I will have sex with him? Tonight, can I make the decision to roll toward him with open eyes rather than roll away with my eyes squeezed shut? It doesn’t mean to ignore the past and disregard the future–but don’t let those times become so huge that you cannot live, and love, in the present moment.
Tonight, when you go to bed next to your husband, how will you live in the present moment? When your old life and old habits threaten to reach up through your efforts and pull you down, just keep fighting your battle, one night at a time.
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I wish I could have realized early on that what I wanted most was intimacy with my wife. As a man, and one who had many insecurities, I too felt there was some expectation for me that didn’t allow me to fully understand….or disclose that it wasn’t just about the sex but about intimacy. Had I understood this, I would have understood why non-sexual touch, that releases oxytocin, was so important and something my wife desired, told me she needed. Touch was, at that point, the only way I could get ‘turned-on’, so it was really hard for me. Therein lies the problem, ‘it was really hard for me.’ Truth is, I was alone too. I think we felt many of the same things but there was a disconnect on how to communicate, another huge hurdle for us.
Through all of our struggles, at one point, I started to see my wife as enemy and all I saw was how she was hurting me. In doing so, I not only rejected the fact that she needed honor, I rejected the fact that I could help give it to her, help nurture her honor and protect it at all costs. Heartbreakingly, I failed to see my wife as human. I failed.
When things began to change for me, was when I began to understand sin. Not everything I called sin was sin and when I truly went down a road of intentional sin, things clicked. Sadly, I had bought into an illusion that further stripped my wife of her honor. After it, I saw not my own hurts. I saw my wife’s hurts. I saw that even beyond her hurts, there was a being. A being God had crafted in her mother’s womb. I saw how precious she was, how precious her honor is and how precious she is. Suddenly, rejection didn’t feel like rejection but I saw wounds and fear that made me have….compassion! How cruel I was to not have compassion. I wasn’t all bad, I know that. But, man what a safe place it is when selfless compassion is present. It shows honor, it bathes someone love, and it hopes for BOTH people, not just self.
Compassion provided a safe place for my wife to become intimate with me. It is like a healing balm. I didn’t just want her body, I wanted her, all of her. I just didn’t know how to say that, I didn’t know how to patiently allow her to come into her own and I didn’t know how to provide a safe environment that would allow her to do all those things.
My wife truly has my heart. While I am a man and deal with the need for physical release and I do have many desires discussed here, if those things are done and I don’t get the honor of holding her heart through it all- I don’t want to know what that is like ever again. There are times, I just need to feel her against me, so the aching my heart feels for her can be soothed.
Men truly are more than just sexual creatures, we just don’t always know it. We can also be giant ‘you know what’s’ to our brides as we figure it out.
I can’t say anything else except how much I love my wife, want to honor her and want to please her in everyway, not just in making love.
If this is offensive or “off” in anyway, I am welcome to criticism. My wife truly deserves the best and her honor has immeasurable value to me!
I am so glad you figured it out. 🙂
Knowing who the real enemy of marriage is (hint: not your spouse) is important.
Yep. Never was. We both look back now and see the perfect storms coming together. We know that as a part of our agreements, individually and as a couple, with spirits not so holy, our covenant has been under attack since before we made it!
Bless YHWH (God) for his loving grace through Yeshua (Jesus), mercy and his Word which I a lamp unto our feet!