Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my beloved among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste. Song of Solomon 2:3
Plenty of women struggle with oral sex. It’s uncomfortable. We can’t get past the gag reflex. We’re grossed out by the idea.
There are also lots of women who enjoy giving their husbands oral sex. They enjoy the kissing, licking, and sucking—but they might still struggle at the end.
When your husband has an orgasm, you have a decision to make: Spit, or swallow? For some women, the prospect of swallowing is just too much, yet their husbands still ask them to do it.
Why do so many husbands want their wives to swallow their semen? And if your husband asks, what should you do?
Why does he want you to swallow?
When it comes to a husband’s request for something sexual, we don’t always assume the best of him.
We often assume that they want something because they saw it in porn, because they are pursuing an unhealthy domination in the bedroom, or because an ex-girlfriend did it for him. Sadly, for some guys, these really are what is going on. If that is the case, whether or not you swallow isn’t the area that most needs attention in your marriage.
A lot of us are married to pretty good-willed husbands who are decent men. Their reasons are much more honorable and touching than we might assume at first. Their request for swallowing speaks to the ways that sex provides not only physical pleasure but also emotional connection.
Yes, many guys will ask their wives to swallow because it feels good to have her mouth on him throughout the entirety of his orgasm and ejaculation. I want to point out that this really is okay. We should be able to ask each other to do things that give us sexual pleasure. If the only reason he wants it is that it will feel good, that is a good enough reason for him to ask.
But when it comes to swallowing, it’s about something else, too. It is about his heart and his feeling of connection with his wife.
Yup, I said it. Semen can be an emotional thing for our guys—and that can be an important part of why husbands ask their wives to swallow.
In this post, I wrote something that is important here: A wife’s welcoming acceptance of her husband’s semen speaks into his heart.
Many men will see a wife’s swallowing as evidence that she truly accepts who he is as a man. Swallowing says that she finds no part of him to be disgusting.
Swallowing can be an emotional experience for a guy, helping him feel completely and totally accepted by their wives. It helps them feel connected.
Do you have to swallow?
I think it is helpful to understand why our husbands may want us to do something sexual. Even if it isn’t something we want to do, the reasons often help us know how to talk with our husbands about it. (For instance, you know whether to express concern that he is watching porn or find a way to express your understanding that he wants to feel more accepted by you.)
So if your husband asks you to swallow his semen, does that mean you have to do it?
In my opinion, no. You don’t have to. Oral sex isn’t a necessity in marriage, and swallowing isn’t a necessity in oral sex.
That said, I do think it is important that you seriously consider your husband’s request.
As you would with any other sexual act, first consider whether it is something that is sinful or unhealthy. When it comes to swallowing semen, neither is the case for most of us.
I encourage you to try to understand why you don’t want to do it. Are you concerned about pain or discomfort? Did you have negative experiences with oral sex in the past that pose a difficult mental hurdle for you? Are you self-conscious about something?
Then, consider what can be done to address those issues—not just so you can swallow, but because they are interfering with your sense of freedom and choice in the marriage bed. It’s okay to say no to swallowing even if you don’t have a good reason—but if something is limiting the options you feel you have, it is worth addressing it.
If you just can’t bring yourself to swallow, your husband should accept that—and it will be easier for him to do so if he sees that you have taken his request seriously. (Read this post for more suggestions on dealing with a request you find difficult.)
Dealing with the gross factor
Let’s get practical here. Even if you want to swallow, it might not be so easy. Semen has a unique consistency and taste, and it can be difficult to get used to it.
Try some of these tips:
- Apply chocolate syrup, unsweetened yogurt, or flavored lube to the penis while you are giving your husband oral sex. It will give you something familiar to help you get accustomed to the semen.
- Add Altoids or Red Hots to your mouth while you are giving oral. Not only will it add some special tingly sensations for your husband, your taste buds will be overwhelmed by the mint or cinnamon rather than overpowered by the taste of semen.
- When your husband’s orgasm begins, point his penis toward the back of your mouth. The semen will bypass your tongue and may slide nicely down your throat.
- Have something handy to drink immediately after swallowing. Some women find that it helps with lingering fluid and flavor.
Check out these posts for more ideas and insight into oral sex for your husband:
Do I Have To?
Oral Arguments
Oral Blessings
Dealing with a Gag Reflex
Because He’s Worth It
Oral Blessings – More Resources
Get to Know His Penis
Enjoying Your Husband’s Semen
These posts on other blogs might be helpful, too:
I’m Answering Some of Your Sex Questions Today! To Love, Honor, & Vacuum
Q&A with J: Should You Just Swallow Already? Hot, Holy & Humorous
How to Give Great Oral Sex to Your Husband, Intimacy in Marriage
Does Your Husband Demand Certain Sex Acts? Intimacy in Marriage
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I’m very fortunate that my husband has never made this request. We enjoy oral sex in our marriage bed but swallowing has never been an issue.
I’m so glad you and your husband have an approach to oral sex that works for you!
Wow a great article and I am feeling pretty guilty about oral right now. After coming back from a completely sexless marriage the last three years have been quite a process trying to reconnect. We have had our ups and downs but right now I have not been giving my husband any oral. I realised I was the only giver of oral and verbally addressed this with him. He said he didn’t feel like he was any good at it and I said I never implied that ever earlier in our marriage when we were having sex. I told him that I enjoyed it also and could it be on the menu once in a while to which he yes but not very convincing. So a couple of times after that conversation I asked for it too while I was doing oral on him and he did it for about 30 seconds. So as some time went by he just never reciprocated and so I became more reluctant to offer it to him. I know he wants it as he keeps positioning himself for it but I just have not wanted too. It seems so strange to me because most men love doing it for women. I can’t say it gave me pleasure in anyway way but I did like watching how aroused he got. I realised the other day it had probably been 7 or 8 months since I gave him oral. I know it’s not right to say no oral for me then none for you but my desire to please him with it when he wont well let’s just say it is gone. I am not going to beg for it so I guess I will just let it go as I dont know how to resolve this. He has not specifically asked for it so I am not sure if and when he does how I will respond . As for the spit or swallow I did try and swallow once and I came so close to throwing up that he said you know you dont have to swallow and I was glad he said that so he just sprayed it on my chest and seemed happy to do so. I cannot seem to come up with any way to really discuss this problem since I already tried too.
It can take time to recover from the patterns that develop during a period of sexlessness in marriage. We believe wrong things about ourselves and each other, and we have to relearn how to communicate with each other about sexual issues. Be patient with yourself and your husband, and continue to work on intimacy.
Same issue here. It’s one way. It doesn’t impede me on him but I feel the bitterness slowly building. Yes, we’ve talked about it.
Silver I find this a hard subject to talk about but I understand the bitterness creeping in I suppose that’s why I have just stopped it.
This article didn’t set well with me. I’ve had to re-read it several times to figure out why.
I think it’s this:
“Many men will see a wife’s swallowing as evidence that she truly accepts who he is as a man.”
So, as I’ve struggled with this, what keeps bubbling up inside me is that I’m not sure I want to have to validate my husband’s manhood. I want him to come to me already confident in his manhood and my love and acceptance of him. Now, how selfish is that?
I don’t know why I feel this way. I suppose I should feel honored to make him feel manly. But, honestly, I feel too old for that now. Maybe it’s the changes in my menopausal brain. I’ll have to do some introspection on this one for a while.
Any thoughts?
I was trying to explain how some men feel about it, not tell anyone that they need to do it. I think we should all strive to be sexually generous in the marriage bed, but we all need to decide how that will look in our own marriages.
If the ideas in this post are uncomfortable for you, I encourage you to pray about them for a while and discern what is good for your marriage.
Chris,
May I thank you for your comment. I believe I’ve figured out my problem.
Ironically, because my husband had prostate surgery several years ago, he no longer has ejaculate. Spitting/swallowing aren’t my issues.
My husband has trouble with erections. Our go to is solely oral and manuel now.
Refusing oral would be cruel to my husband.
Menopause has made sex a one-way street. Me to him.
Sex has declined from being intimate and sharing to a desperate attempt to keep my husband’s manhood intact. Aging, surgery, and biological changes have turned sexual intimacy into a mechanical attempt to keep him sexually alive.
Until I read your article, I didn’t realize where my heart had gone.
I no longer “bless” my husband with oral. Oral has become a requirement to keep my husband feeling accepted and whole.
As you’ve expressed in other posts, it’s a heart thing.
My reaction to this post has helped me realize my heart’s in the wrong place.
I was beginning to feel bitterness and resentment.
I was beginning to feel like our whole sexual life had been dumped on my shoulders.
Yes, I need to do some praying, soul searching, and mental/heart readjusting.
I thank you for awakening me to that fact.
I just wish men found it easier to feel truly loved through other means of intimacy. My body, mind, and soul are getting pretty tired.
I will join you in prayer for a refreshed body, mind, soul, and heart.
@Bitter I’m married to a strong alpha male so I get (I think) where you’re coming from in that my guy is not lacking in validation of his manhood or maleness, at least not to where it’s visible to the me or anyone else. So why would I need to validate who he is as a man if he already does? Just in case there’s doubt that I don’t see and just because I love him and want to bless him, I do bless him with os. It’s not reciprocal which bothers me and he and I have discussed this. I bless him anyway.
@SilverShil0h, do you mind if I ask how has the conversation about is for you gone with your husband? When we have discussed this he says he will but then never does. I know it’s a personal question so I understand if you can’t explain. I am just wondering if my husband just doesn’t like his mouth on me. Idk It is good that you are still able to please your husband even though he does not reciprocate as I just got to where I had no desire to.
There is a third alternative…
Yes, but I wanted to specifically address a husband’s request to swallow.
I’ve always wondered if I don’t understand what “spit” means. Because I have found that the fastest way to get it out of your mouth is to swallow. So if the point of spitting is to have less to do with semen i think you are missing a key way of looking at the situation. The worst part is having it in your mouth at all, and that’s going to happen either way. The next step is to get rid of it so it isn’t lingering on your tongue while you look for something to wipe it off with. I always swallow because it is faster and gets it over with! I’d mention that in an article for newbies!
For some women, the issue isn’t just about getting rid of it quickly. It’s more of a mental hurdle about ingesting semen, as well as the texture. But yes, swallowing definitely takes care of it quickly!
I have a bad gag reflex when it comes to swallowing semen and its a fantasy of my husbands that i really want to get used to. What can i do to stop gagging and feeling like im going to puke? Lol
You might want to check out the suggestions in this post: http://forgivenwife.com/dealing-with-a-gag-reflex/.
It only happens with semen
I love to give oral and swallow my husband’s semen. It’s a huge turn on for me and I would like do to more oral and just have sex more often. Sex in marriage is a huge blessing!
I think we, as women, need to let our men know that we accept them, but swallowing his semen doesn’t prove that. With that logic, then we should also swallow his urine and eat his feces. These men are not bad, just need to understand and are perhaps misguided by porn. We need to show each other that if we love each other, there should be limits on what we ask each other to do. It doesn’t mean that I love someone more if I do demeaning things. Basically semen is has a mucous texture, and there aren’t very many people who find having a lugie ejected into their mouth a pleasant thought. Our vaginas were designed to receive men, clearly our mouths weren’t designed for anything more than to kiss or lick a penis. Our mouths were not designed for men to copulate otherwise we wouldn’t have teeth or a gag reflex. I feel like common sense has gone out the window. My question is why have men fallen out of love with the vagina? Why aren’t we enough as we were designed?
His semen represents his masculinity in a unique way that doesn’t apply to other substances produced by his body. However, if swallowing semen feels demeaning to you, then don’t do it. Women don’t all feel the same way about it.
If a man truly has fallen out of love with the vagina so much that he will engage only in oral sex and nothing else, then that’s a problem he should address. For most men, though, oral sex and swallowing aren’t about women being enough. It’s about enjoying adventure and wanting to experience a wide variety of sexual activity with the woman they love.
I do think it’s important to make a distinction between a husband asking his wife to do something and expecting her to do it. I think it should always be okay for someone to ask for what they want as long as it isn’t prohibited in the Bible. Asking is fair. Expecting someone to do it just because we ask turns into a demand–and it’s never okay to be demanding in the bedroom.