When you’re working on becoming more sexually generous and adventurous after a long time of resisting sex, your husband might be just a little excited.
Your heart might be wanting to make a total transformation. You may even think about all the things you’ll feel comfortable doing in, say, five years.
You may think about the words, “Honey, whatever you want to do that isn’t sinful, I will be happy to do with you.” But the instant you try to actually say those words, you realize that you are giving your husband a blank check to pull you outside your comfort zone.
How many of us have held back on things like different positions, oral sex, or lingerie because we think, “If I do this now, pretty soon he’ll be wanting something even more extreme?”
Even when your heart wants to be generous, the idea of giving your husband a blank check might be just a bit overwhelming. If you aren’t ready to take that giant leap, you can always try small steps. Specifically, I’m going to suggest that you take three steps.
Here’s the idea:
In just a few days, we will begin a new year. Sometime this week, ask your husband to make a list of five sexual things he would like to do with you during the next year.
Then make your man a promise:
You will do three of those five things in 2016.
You can even give him target dates for when you will accomplish these three things. You could spread them out evenly throughout the year, promise them all before September, or maybe aim for special days such as his birthday, your anniversary, and Christmas. Give him an idea of when to expect these things so he can anticipate them.
Look at the list and think about which three you want to promise for the coming year. Ask your husband if he wants to know what you’ve chosen or if he wants to be surprised.
And then, get ready to learn and grow!
Use these guidelines to help you make the most of your three out of five.
- Set a personal deadline of a month before the target dates. If you get close to the date and haven’t fulfilled your promise, your husband might begin to wonder if you’ll follow through. That does not help the intimacy in your marriage, but an early follow-through will be a boost.
- Consider early on what will be necessary to follow through. If you will need to do some reading and learning, get started on that in January to give you time to really think about how you’ll proceed. You could start with the thing that seems most do-able to help you build some momentum and confidence. Or, you could begin with the thing that you expect to be hardest so everything seems easier in comparison.
- If your promised activities require you to do some preparation, let your husband see what you’re doing. If you are sewing costumes to play Captain Kirk and the green dancing woman from Star Trek, let him help you with a costume fitting. If he wants to have sex in the outdoors with you, spend time with him online searching for a place that is sufficiently secluded. Seeing you take the necessary steps to fulfilling your promise will build anticipation, intimacy, and trust.
- Initiate the activities. If your husband has to ask for them, he is risking feeling rejection since he knows they are activities outside your comfort zone. So when you’re ready, you let him know. Tell him that when he’s ready to ask for a specific activity, you’re ready to say yes. Send him a text during the day that says “Promise #1 is tonight!” Lead the action when you’re getting sexy some time. If your activity involves special clothing, leave them lying out on the bed for your husband to see when he comes home.
- Consider coming up with a list of five relational things you would like to do with your husband, whether or not those are sexual things. Maybe he’ll ask you for such a list. Even if he doesn’t ask, you will benefit from having put into words what you want. It isn’t always easy for women to think of our own needs and desires as important. Making a list will help you know what you want.
You can find ideas on how to get comfortable with some new-to-you activities on my Spicy Extras page.
So how about it? Can you offer your husband three out of five for 2016?
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Chris, I think that your idea is awesome in concept and my wife has already asked me to provide her with a list. But I think that you, my wife and most wives are really missing what most husbands really want…and that is for our wives to have sexual desires and fantasies for us husbands to fullfil for them/you. We husbands love to please and there is nothing more we would love to please than pleasing our wives who have let us in on their sexual needs and desires. We would much prefer doing that than having our wives summon up the energy or will to pull off one or more of ours. Bottom line – most of us just want you to be as sexual as we are! So, while your husband is coming up with a list, the ladies need to come up with their own. My bet is that you may never get to his list out of his excitement to complete every item on your own.
For wives who are still working on venturing into the land of sexual generosity, the idea of coming up with a list about sex can be overwhelming and confusing. If you’ve avoided something for years, how can you know what you’d like to do with it? As I wrote this, I was thinking about women who are trying to make an effort but are afraid of what they’ll be asked to do. They just aren’t at a place where they are able to do what you describe.
And here’s another thing. As much as a man wants his wife to be as sexual as he is, that just might never happen no matter how hard she tries. Many women want comfort and security more than anything in their marriages. What they enjoy the most when it comes to sex may be to do things in a familiar way, every time. Doing something new can be uncomfortable, it can make orgasm difficult, and it can feel unsettling.
So while I understand what you are saying and I know that men would love to have their wives communicate their sexual desires to them, it doesn’t make sense for the wives I am addressing. I will say, however, that a list of relational needs may well include some things related to sex. It probably should, in fact–but if what she needs to feel connected is something non-sexual, that is no less valid than his need to feel connected sexually. Plus, if she has unmet relational needs, meeting those may help her feel closer and more able to be vulnerable with him–which is an essential factor in being able to come up with a list of sexual desires.
(And yeah, I know I just did a lot of generalizing here.)
I get what you are saying, but just to be sure that you get what I am saying, I would just say to those wives who are “ready,” – your husband really may want your list of desires more than he wants you to act on his. That alone might blow his socks off.
One step at a time. 🙂
Hmmm… if my husband really wants that, why hasn’t he asked for a list? BTW…I did ask for a list from him, he did not reciprocate in any form.
When I have asked husband what he wants, he usually asks me for a request in response. I figure it doesn’t hurt to be ready with something, just in case.
Even more than that, though I think the value of having a list isn’t in the list itself but in the process of coming up with it. Thinking about what I want and articulating it help me acknowledge my feelings and desires, and that is a good thing for *me*, even if I never give my husband a list.
“But I think that you, my wife and most wives are really missing what most husbands really want…and that is for our wives to have sexual desires and fantasies for us husbands to fullfil for them/you.”
Can I say for the record that MOST WIVES ARE NOT MISSING THIS! We are keenly aware of this. Most women lack the level of testosterone that makes high sexual desire and variety innate to men.
Perhaps God knew what He was doing when He created men and women differently.
It makes me think of Proverbs 24:33, just substitute having sex for sleeping. Too much and you’ll end up in the poor house. Our differing drives can really help with balance 😉
We love making lists for sexy time!
Linked to you post here.
I like this! It might be fun to both make a list and then do the 3/5 for each other 🙂