This is a second follow-up to my Oral Blessings post. Please read no further if you are uncomfortable reading about oral sex. It is my belief that oral sex can be a blessing in a Christian marriage bed.
In my Oral Blessings post, I encouraged you to get comfortable with the idea of blessing your husband with oral sex. Years ago, I had an office mate who very quietly admitted to me that she had never done this for her husband. She couldn’t even tell me why she was offended by the idea. “I’ll have sex as often as he wants,” she said, “but I won’t do that. No way. End of story.”
Men hear all sorts of reasons why their wives don’t want to give them oral sex. The one I’ve personally struggled with I wrote about in Dealing with a Gag Reflex.
Today I’d like to address some of the other reasons women give for why they won’t do oral. If your husband would like to receive oral sex and you want to grow in how you sexually relate to your husband, it is worth working through these things.
Semen is gross. Try to reframe your thinking on this. If you’re having any kind of sex, there will be semen. It is the seed of life. Semen is a sexual and intimate part of your husband. It can be hurtful for a man to hear that this intimate part of himself, the substance that represents his manhood, is gross or disgusting. It is like saying that he as a man is gross or disgusting. Even if you can’t reshape your thinking about semen, you can speak kindly about it. Learn to accept it, even if you can’t come to embrace it.
I’ll confess—I don’t love the consistency or taste of semen. Fortunately, I’ve discovered a trick—chocolate syrup! Just a drop or two on the tip of the penis is enough to disguise the consistency of pre-ejaculate. (There are also flavored gels made just for this purpose.) When I am able to have him finish in my mouth, there’s always just a bit of chocolate still in my mouth, so it helps with that, too. With chocolate syrup, it’s a win-win. My husband gets to be orally blessed, and I get chocolate. What’s not to love? I have also read that pineapple juice (to be drunk by your husband, not actually used during oral sex) sweetens the taste of semen. If your issue is flavor rather than consistency, this is worth trying.
Hair, hair, hair. Face it. Dealing with stray hairs in the teeth or on the tongue isn’t on anyone’s bucket list. One solution is for your husband to trim or remove the hair on the shaft, scrotum, and entire pubic region to make a more pleasant experience for you. If this is something you and your husband would like to try, you can even do the shaving/trimming as part of foreplay.
The Neighborhood. There’s a lot else that happens in the area of your husband’s body; sweat accumulates in the folds of the groin and, well, not to put too fine a point on it, your husband’s rear end is pretty close by. Any inattention to hygiene is going to be an issue for most women. With him in my mouth, I will be breathing through my nose, after all. When my husband knows that he is going to receive oral sex, he jumps into the shower to get extra clean. He wants me to enjoy what I’m doing so I’ll do it even more. Ask your husband to take a shower or quick sponge bath. You could even take one with him. This will give you a chance to start with some foreplay as well as make sure he’s as clean as you want him to be. Or, if you’d like to try some role playing, you could be a sexy nurse giving your husband a sponge bath in bed. I keep some baby wipes in the bedroom just in case one of us needs to do a quick hygiene touch-up. Sometimes I’ll add extra scent to the room (either candles or some sexy lotion on my legs) to help disguise unwanted fragrance as well.
Ow. For some of us, giving oral sex can be physically difficult. I have chronic sinus issues, which makes it difficult to breathe while he is in my mouth. I have arthritis in my knees, which limits positions. I have the smallest mouth my dentist has ever seen. So what can you do if oral sex is uncomfortable? Take frequent breaks from the action. If I keep my fingers around the base of the penis, then I can keep up with stimulation even if I have take a quick break (which I can often do while he is still in my mouth by making my jaw go slack and taking some breaths). If I am planning ahead to give my husband oral sex, I will take a decongestant medication for my sinuses and a pain reliever for my knees.
I mentioned this in the Gag Reflex post, but it works here, too: Add some other stimulation to decrease the actual mouth time. Have oral sex in front of a mirror so your husband can watch from multiple angles. Begin with a striptease or a massage or a good hand job to get him all worked up before your mouth moves in for the action.
You may have many reasons you would prefer not to give your husband oral sex. I get it. It isn’t easy to get past some of them. I still struggle with it sometimes. But every single time I push through these struggles, I know that my husband comes away feeling incredibly loved and blessed. And he’s worth it.
Oral Blessings Series
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My husband REALLY loves your blog. After 24 years of marriage, I finally “finished the job” Saturday night. 🙂 I have recently gone down on him more often and realized that it was not so bad…I also realized that I was being selfish and not honoring his needs/desires. After reading your first post about “oral blessings” it gave me the information I guess I was needing and gave me the confidence to do it. I too, have a bad gag reflex and I didn’t want to offend him by not swallowing or even allow him to come in my mouth because I didn’t know how I would react. I felt so much closer to him and he obviously felt closer to me after he was finished. Thank you so much for opening yourself up enough to discuss this. It made a difference in our lives. Just knowing someone else out there has struggles gave me the confidence and courage to do it. Thanks again.
Thank you so much for sharing that the post made a difference. With every post, I pray that it helps one marriage. It is so good to know a prayer has been answered. I am always amazed by how close I feel to my husband doing this, and it has made it easier for me to accept the blessing in return as well.
And I have to say…no wonder your husband loves my blog 😉
Applaud LD for her candor. Oral sex enhances the intimacy in the married couple.s lovemaking.
Can you recommend any Christian blogs/forums that discuss basics and how-to’s? I read another comment that mentioned she read and read and read and that helped her get used to the idea. I’m sorta to the point where I’ll put my mouth there and do some work, but it still physically nauseates me to think of body fluid in the mouth – ESPECIALLY swallowing. How on earth??
I will look for some good links and articles this evening. (I’m on my phone now.) For now, focus on getting comfortable and confident with what you are doing. Even if it isn’t actually in your mouth, lips and tongues working along the shaft and on the scrotum still feel pretty good, I’m told.
If I may suggest something that made a difference for me after all of this time A. Nonny Muss…as I mentioned above…24 years!!! When The Forgiven Wife mentioned to go to the Hot, Holy, and Humorous website as she did a post on this very subject. It did help to read through that and get ideas. I can tell you, after I read that LONG string to posts my husband reaped the benefits. 🙂
Hi, I’m so glad I found this post and I really need some help/encouragement in this area. First of all, I like doing it but only for like 5-10 mins until my mouth aches and then finish with sex. But, my husband has told me that he wants me to go all the way sometimes and he’s offended that I hardly ever do. Also, I don’t mind semen on me.. except in my mouth! I’ve done it a few times all the way (only been married a couple years) but I really don’t like it because it is so painful to have my mouth open that long and then I take lots of breaks which then makes the process take forever which makes it 10x more painful, get the picture? And so I’ve been avoiding it because he won’t accept it as just foreplay. So I told him I would commit to working on it and going longer and he agreed to not hold it against me if I’m trying it for longer and longer periods but don’t make it to ejaculation. Also, I admit I get bitter because if I do let him finish that way then I don’t get any sex or anything and I know that is selfish of me but I still feel that way sometimes. So that’s my story, any advice?
Also, another thing is that I gratefully receive it all the time and he happily gives it.. and so I know I have a double standard, which I feel bad about.
Don’t feel bad. Just keep working on it because you love him.
Jonie, I still struggle with these same things sometimes. Here’s what I would recommend:
1. Do a whole lot of other stimulation and arousal before you even get to the oral sex. Strip for him. Give him a sexual massage. Provide him with a good handjob. The more you get him extremely aroused through other methods, the less time you will need to deal with having him in your mouth. You also might do regular intercourse and have him pull out in time to finish in your mouth. Basically, spend more time up front outside the mouth.
2. Chocolate syrup really does change how semen tastes and feels to me. There are flavored gels just for oral sex, but I find that chocolate syrup (I suppose whipped cream would work the same way) changes what my mind perceives about what is going on in my mouth. Try some different substances until you find something that you enjoy and that does the job.
3. You could start with him giving you oral sex or bringing you to orgasm in another way. Remember, though, that there’s a lot of value in making a sexual encounter completely for him. It’s true that you might feel sexually frustrated, and if it were this way all the time, it would be a problem. If you do some just-for-him sex, where you are focused on giving him the best pleasure possible, it will mean a lot to him and you’ll be able to experience sexual giving in an entirely different way than you have so far. There are times when I just figure I’ll get aroused giving my husband oral sex and know that it won’t go anywhere. That is part of my gift to him. However, the better I get it, the more he reacts, and the more he reacts, the more it arouses me. I have had my own orgasms while blessing my husband with oral sex.
The three recommendations above address the concerns very thoroughly. The important thing – emotionally and psychologically – for the husband is the acceptance he experiences when his wife lets him finish in her mouth. It is a special kind of intimacy, that with experience, both spouses can grow to enjoy and value. It really is more than just physical for the husband.
Jonie alludes to her husband not accepting the oral sex only as foreplay, but that they have worked out a compromise where she will work on doing it longer. In my opinion, neither extreme is good. Always (and only) performed as foreplay is disappointing and frustrating for the husband. But, the husband would be wrong to insist (or demand) that the oral sex his wife gives him always be done to completion. For those times, when both spouses agree that the oral sex will be performed through ejaculaiton, it is better that the wife let him finish in her mouth. Communication and compromise are needed.
As to point # 2, in addition to using flavors and/or substances, the wife can keep a glass of water or juice nearby for drinking after the act is done. That may help. The suggestion in point #1, “You also might do regular intercourse and have him pull out in time to finish in your mouth.”, is a workable alternative for those wives who have too much discomfort performing oral sex.
“You might also do regular intercourse and have him pull out in time to finish in your mouth.” People do this!?? Is it common?? My wife thinks semen in her mouth is gross. She’s tried it a few times and choked and gagged but I think that’s what she thought would happen before she tried and was too anxious about it. She won’t try it again. She would never, ever consider giving oral after having intercourse, let alone finish in her mouth that way. When I read suggestions like this I’m simply amazed at the freedom some people have in the marriage bed.
Yes, people do this, although I don’t know how common it is. I know quite a few women who will give oral but simply cannot manage to have ejaculation in their mouths, either because of the force of the ejaculation or the texturee of the semen. Some women are so afraid that their husbands won’t pull out of their mouths in time that they would rather not risk the chance at all. When these women feel they can completely trust their husbands not to ejaculate in their mouths, it might be easier for them to try oral stimulation. Over time, they might get to a point of managing to have the semen in their mouths anyway.
There can be great freedom in the marriage bed if both spouses want there to be and are willing to do the work necessary.
After ejaculation you can be entertained in other ways that don’t require an erect penis.
I really appreciate these types of forums simply because for years and years now I have not performed oral sex on my husband because I thought it was a sin.
And as much as I wanted to please my husband I wouldn’t do it very often because of course pleasing God always comes first in a Christian’s life. My husband would mention it to me from time to time asking why I wouldn’t do it and because his beliefs are not the same as mine so much I felt I couldn’t explain how I was feeling to him.
Then he would tell me that he loved me and even if I didn’t do that it didn’t matter he still loved me and everything was fine. Last Sunday he announced that he loved me but was not in love with me and wanted to be separated.
Said it was not about me but it was about him but that he wasn’t in love with me anymore and just needed to go do his thing for a while but that he’d been cheating on me.
As this week has unfolded he has told me how our sex life is not good and could not understand why I would not perform oral sex on him and that that made him feel like he wasn’t wanted is totally not the truth. I can see where he would feel that way so I have told him that I would work on trying to be outside of the box and perform these acts for him like he has wanted for so long from me ( but bc I wouldn’t do it caused him to go to someone who would) but that I need some time to figure out how to do that. He says that it’s too late but I know that with God all things are possible I only wish I had this research earlier to find out that it was okay to do this in the marriage bed.
If anyone has any tips for me it would be greatly appreciated because I would love nothing more than to turn my merits around and show him how much I love him and desired him rather than just telling him about it.
Of course prayers would be welcome to. Thank you
Elizabeth, your comments hurts my heart. I have been praying for you.
Please know that your husband’s infidelity is not because you wouldn’t do oral sex. The decision to cheat is on his shoulders, not on yours. While it may be true that he felt your sex life wasn’t good, and it may be true that oral sex was a part of that, there are many other ways he could have responded to his unhappiness. He owns his own sin; you don’t.
For the years I was sinning by denying my husband sex, I kept blaming it on him. I had a mental list of all the things he wasn’t doing–and while those things were tangled up in my feelings, those things were not the reason I was denying my husband. Pointing to things my husband had or hadn’t done allowed me to pretend to myself that I wasn’t wrong. Sweetie, I think your husband is doing the same thing.
Many of us fall in and out of love with our spouses throughout the course of marriage. Love isn’t a feeling; it’s an action. It’s decision. Sometimes it’s a decision you have to make every single day.
Likewise, getting comfortable doing certain acts is not going to be what brings him back. He has to decide for himself that it is the right thing to do. It is good that you are working on learning more about the role of intimacy in marriage. Perhaps seeing you make an effort to grow will inspire him to to do the same.
Pray for your husband’s relationship with God. Seek counseling for yourself to develop tools to help you respond to your separation. And know that I will continue praying for you.
I wish I could express to my wife how little “physical pleasure” is even a factor in my desire for OS. You summed it up nicely.
OS was a frequent element of our dating relationship. Unfortunately, it died off completely after the wedding day, with only one job “finished” in 4 years of marriage. I struggled to get my wife to explain the change for several years, and only recently learned that it is the “semen ick factor” that caused her to stop. You describe the feelings very well; I feel as though she has rejected the very core of ny sexual being. Semen is all well and good when it gives her the children she wants, but a little ends up on her tongue and it’s the end if the world??
I finally had to pretend it was never an option in order to pretend I’m not bitter about it.
For some women, the consistency and texture are really, really a challenge. It’s sad when this stops them from trying or from going almost all the way to completion.
Have you shared with your wife that you would like it for reasons other than the physical sensations?
William and ForginveWife, this is sad and is more prevalent than many realize. Yes, taste and texture can be challenges for some wives – but many wives have overcome these challenges by making some effort to overcome the mental “ick factor”. How long does the wife deal with this at the end of oral sex? Seriously, it is only for 10 to 20 seconds. Often, mental attitudes and fears can become exaggerated within one’s thinking.
This is not the first comment that I have seen (on marriage blogs) from a husband that tells of oral sex being frequent prior to marriage and then becoming very rare after marriage. If a woman had problems with oral sex while single, the question comes to my mind: Why was she doing it at all? Or, what changed with marriage to then cause her problems with semen?
It would be nice if a compromise could be worked out for these couples. Oral sex as foreplay to intercourse is usually not a problem for the wife. But, now and then, performing her loving, tender oral sex to completion would show the husband much greater acceptance. (Whether she spits or swallows is not an issue for most husbands.)
I am following up to my previous comment to give another perspective.
If you are as I was, a husband reading this post in remorse and bitterness, I want to give you an alternative. After reading this, I committed the matter to prayer. I never mentioned it to my wife, just laid it before the throne of God. All of a sudden, my wife approaches ME and says she wants to work on incorporating this back in to our arsenal, so to speak. My reaction wasn’t what I expected it to be. I refused. Not out of spite. Not out if a desire to be in control. It just occurred to me that, why would I want something that my wife doesn’t enjoy?? Intimacy is about bonding and drawing closer, not having my wish-list fulfilled.
So to husbands, I say that it is easy to get so focused on what you are missing out on that you overlook your wife’s feelings. Ask yourself if you really want her to view intimacy as unenjoyable. Is it worth it?
To wives, I say that your performance is now what is going to count here; it is your willingness. My wife showed her willingness, and that made all of the difference. I can begin healing from years of feeling rejected and unattractive, and it isn’t because my wife suddenly decided to love oral. I can heal because she showed me she is willing to accept all of me, not just the parts and acts that do something for her. Willingness trumps technque, frequency and enjoyment every time.
It sounds like both of you have turned your hearts toward each other. It is easy to get so focused on a particular act that it becomes more important to us than relationship. You and your wife have both demonstrated to each other that the other is more important than your own desires.
I found accidentally early in our marriage that diet affects the taste of semen. There are some foods and drinks that would make it taste gross or be super salty. I talked to my husband about it and it helped!