Baby Steps for Moving Forward

When we are new at trying to change our approach to sexual intimacy in our marriages, many of us work on fundamentals that have to do with our hearts and attitude.

We stop saying “no,” we fully participate in sex instead of mentally checking out or urging our husbands just get it over with, and we try to learn about God’s design for sex in marriage.

At some point, though, we need to move forward. It’s time to take second steps, and third, and beyond.

Yikes! This is where it can get a bit dicey for some of us. Even with our hearts right, taking a step into an area that is uncomfortable or unfamiliar can be scary.

Once I got past the basics, I started to think about all the things my husband had asked for sexually that I’d said “no” to. The list seemed pretty long, and I didn’t know where to start.

Probably the most important next step is to ask your husband what he’d like you to work on next. This is a big step to take. It took me a whole year to get comfortable enough with a fully participatory and frequent vanilla sex life to ask my husband what he wanted.

Your husband’s desires are not the only ones that should determine the shape of your sex life. Sex is for your marriage and is for you, too.

For many of us, though, learning to fulfill our husbands’ desires can be an important step in the journey of change.

Once you decide what you’ll work on next, what are baby steps you can take?

Here is a list of baby steps you can take to start moving forward in different areas. I’ve included links to some of my posts that give a bit more information or might encourage you in that area.

This isn’t a full list of sexual activities, but it does include many things that give sex a flavor other than vanilla.

When he wants . . . , you can . . .

• Maybe he wants to try different positions, different rooms (or outside), and different times of day. Start by doing your usual—but not in the usual spot in your bed. If you usually do missionary with your heads near the headboard, try it with your heads at the foot of the bed or your bodies lying sideways in the bed.
• He wants to see you in full lighting, whereas you prefer the lights to be completely off. Begin with dim lighting—just one small candle. Several readers say a red light bulb provides the perfect lighting to start with.
• A new hair style. He’d like to see your pubic area clean shaven. You, on the other hand, have some objections to that. Start with a trim, just to tidy up the area. This might mean shaving along the sides so it doesn’t show around your underwear. It could also mean borrowing your husband’s beard trimmer to make your hair shorter.
• Sexy underthings. He wants you try a thong, but you prefer full briefs that cover your tummy. Start by buying your regular underwear but in bright colors or interesting patterns. If you wear white, beige, or black bras, buy one in a new color.
• Sexy talk. He says he wants you to talk to him about what he’s doing to you while he’s doing it. You’d just as soon stay silent. Begin with soft moans or “that feels good.”
• Oral sex on him. He wants you to give his penis some attention with your mouth, while you’re thinking it’s gross or worrying about your gag reflex. Start by getting comfortable looking at and touching his penis.
• Oral sex on you. He wants to kiss you between your legs, and all you can think about is the aroma or how much of your tummy he’ll be able to see. Begin by getting comfortable having his head near your genitals, breathing softly across you.
• He would love to see you give yourself an orgasm, but you’re worried that you’d feel too exposed or you don’t even know how to masturbate. A first step can be to place your hand on your husband’s hand while he touches you, just to get yourself comfortable with your hand being in the area while your husband is present.
• Other stuff. There are quite a few other things your husband might be interested in. Some of the posts in the Comfort Zone series (you can find the list here)  might help. If your husband would like you to work on something very far outside your comfort zone, you might find this post helpful.

What’s next on your sexual agenda? Are you ready to take the next step?

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