My efforts to work on sex brought me face-to-face with something I’d fought against for a long time: oral sex.
Giving my husband oral sex made me feel used (it was one-sided rather than mutual), inadequate (Is there something wrong with my vagina that isn’t good enough?), unloved (He knows how I feel about it and brings it up anyway), and subservient (like I was servicing him). Some of these feelings came from experiences with other men before marriage, and some came from my desire to feel emotionally connected to Big Guy and valued by him.
Not only did I hate oral sex, but the very mention of it was an automatic shut-off switch for my desire. I could be in bed with my husband and actually enjoying what we were doing, and even a hint that he wanted oral sex would turn my stomach and make it difficult to tolerate the rest of the sexual encounter.
When I began to work on sex, my focus was on sexual frequency and being fully engaged during sex. Oral sex was on the “waaaay down the road and it’s okay if I never get to it” list.
I read a lot about sex and Christian marriage—and I realized that there were a whole lot of other women who didn’t feel the way I did about oral sex. In fact, they seemed to enjoy it. They found it arousing, and they loved being able to make their husbands feel amazing that way. What’s wrong with me that I have such an aversion to oral sex? Other women don’t feel used, so why do I? I wondered.
My reading also showed me that many men feel very loved and cared for when they receive oral sex. Not only does it feel good, it also makes them feel cherished when their most intimate part is so accepted by their wives. They experience intimacy in placing such trust in their wives.
God kept working on my heart, turning it toward my husband and filling me with compassion for him. Whereas my initial self-centered goal had been to counter Big Guy’s depression so my life would be easier, at one point I realized that my new goal was to help him feel loved. I’d been learning so much about how sex met a deep-seated emotional need in my husband.
It occurred to me that one of the ways I could show how heart-deep my changes were was to do something I’d resisted for a long time. It was time to work through this oral sex thing. It took me some time, but I grew to love it just like the wives I’d read about.
Take the Next Step
If you have decided to work on oral sex because you know it would bless your husband, your heart is in the right place—but you may be frozen in place because you don’t know how to proceed.
Giving your husband oral sex means that you are using your mouth to sexually stimulate your husband’s penis, whether that is just to arouse him, tease him, or bring him to orgasm. If you’ve resisted oral sex in the past, then even one small kiss might seem like too much at first.
If you’ve been struggling with oral sex, I’d like to encourage you to just take the next step toward it, starting where you are right now.
I’ve laid out some steps that you may find helpful. Figure out where you are, and just try to do the next thing.
- If the very idea of oral sex is upsetting to you, spend time prayerfully figuring out why. Did you have difficult or traumatic experiences with oral sex in the past? Are you afraid or upset to think about why your husband would want it?
- If you have past experience that is interfering with your willingness to do oral sex, pursue healing of those issues—not just so you can manage oral sex, but so you can be fully healed and be able to enjoy the sexual freedom of the marriage bed.
- If you are making assumptions about why your husband wants oral sex, ask him to help you understand. Respond with compassion and respect, and choose to assume the best of him.
- Picture yourself giving your husband oral sex. What positions are you in? What, if anything, are you wearing? Work on becoming comfortable just thinking about it.
- Look at your husband’s penis. I mean, really look at it. Admire God’s handiwork. Look at your husband’s intricate design. Although the penis seems pretty simple, it is also magnificent. Song of Solomon tells us, “His body is carved ivory” (5:14). Think of an elephant’s tusk and how simple and magnificent it is, and you’ll get the picture. Get comfortable looking at the “carved ivory” that displays your husband’s maleness.
- Spend more time using your hands on your man’s manhood. This isn’t about bringing him to an orgasm. It is about touching him. Learn what touches he likes, and where. Admire the combination of softness and hardness. Learn your husband’s penis, and let him see your interest in it.
- Practice on an inanimate object. This may sound silly, but it can help to practice kissing, licking, and sucking on something where there is no pressure or guilt if you don’t succeed or if you gag. Popsicles, bananas, cucumbers, popsicle sticks, hot dogs, etc.
- Put your mouth where his manhood is. Start with simple stimulation, like kissing and licking. Use your lips and tongue to feel his penis.
- Take it into your mouth. Even if you’re comfortable having only the head of the penis in your mouth, and not the whole thing, give it a try. If you can manage only a few minutes at first, that’s still fine.
- Bring him to an orgasm with your mouth. You can use a combination of hands and mouth, or have intercourse and then finish him off with your mouth.
Whatever the next step is, take it. Then work on the next step. Over time, you may even come to love giving your husband oral sex.
For help in dealing with common issues and for more tips on learning to give oral sex, check out these posts:
Do I Have To?
Oral Arguments
Oral Blessings
Dealing with a Gag Reflex
Because He’s Worth It
Oral Blessings – More Resources
Get to Know His Penis
Enjoying Your Husband’s Semen
Image credit | gdakaska at pixabay.com
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Interesting article but I have the opposite issue . After years of the dead bedroom my H and I have been working to get back on track with sex and intimacy. It has not been easy but we have made pretty good progress. I have been more than willing to give him oral sex and even read up in some how to articles to get better at it but he does not return the favor. I finally got up enough courage to ask why he never gave me oral to which he replied I am not good at it to which I replied well you use to do it years ago and it was good and I enjoyed it. So a couple of different times during sex I actually asked for it and he did it for like two minutes then stopped. A few other times I hinted about it and nothing. I am not going to keep asking as most men love to do this for their wives apparently he is not one of them but it made me really resent giving him oral. I actually told him that although I didn’t get sexual pleasure by performing it on him I did it because I knew how much he enjoyed it and wanted to please him thinking that he would think about it in that light. I have stopped giving him oral which is sad as I know he wants it as he positions himself frequently with that in mind but I just have lost all desire to do so. It has been months since it happened last. I suppose at some point he will verbally ask and not sure what my response will be . We are still having sex just no oral. Not sure what else I can do.
I am sorry. Ideally, both spouses will be generous with each other, doing what pleases the other even if it isn’t their favorite thing. It is easier to do that when we don’t feel like we’re the only one giving. It might be time for another conversation with your husband, even if it involves pressing in to find out why he thinks he isn’t good at it and if there is any other reason it is a problem. (For instance, some men who have seen this in pornography try to avoid it because it seems too “porny” of an act, or because they don’t want to treat their wives like any woman they’ve seen in porn.) You can tell him that you’ve been struggling with resentment that he wants you to do what he won’t do for you. It is an authentic sharing of your current struggle, and it is fair to let him know that you’re having a hard time. Meanwhile, you can work on your feelings of resentment. They are understandable, but they aren’t healthy for you or for your marriage. May God bless your marriage bed and show you and your husband a peaceful resolution in this area.
Chris I do want to work through this but it has seemed like if there is a reason he does not want to do this he has not verbally expressed it. I did say to take the pressure off can it just me in the menu? I said it doesn’t have to happen all the time but once in a while it would be nice and he agreed. However it still has not happened. This statement ” You can tell him that you’ve been struggling with resentment that he wants you to do what he won’t do for you.” Thanks for that. Those words would be good if and when the subject comes up again. Thank you so much. Communication is not always easy for us but I know how important it is to communicate but he resist what he thinks will be a relationship talk and I have to remind him that’s how the dead bedroom came to be.
Chris,
I can imagine that wasn’t the easiest of topics to write about but you did it in a good way. I especially appreciated #5 and #6. It’s easy to forget that the ENTIRE body is created in the image of God, and it is a beautiful sight (and in the right context) all of it should be appreciated. I think as a wife, I expect my husband to like and verbally appreciate all of my body, so it should not be different for me to verbally appreciate and lovingly touch his body?
As a registered nurse and having the “don’t touch the blood and body fluids without wearing gloves” lessons beaten into my head for years, it was hard for me to learn to do oral sex. It was too easy to make feel “clinical”. It took me a while to accept that it was ok for me to touch my husband AND put it in my mouth. I do know that this leap may be too far for some women, but I applaud those who are willing to at least try and take positive steps for it. ~ Johanna
Chris,
. I especially like steps 4 and 6. There is no substitute for a loving touch. I make a real effort now to fondle his penis and testes (show genuine interest). Taking small steps does pay off. I was in the habit of only touching it if I was guiding him to enter me (not sure why). We have been talking more about our intimacy too. When we are not in the bed room.
Does anyone have any advice on how to feel more comfortable when receiving O.S.?
Thanks Chris for a great blog.
I have advice! Start with this post. You’ll see the others linked at the bottom. I’m so glad you’re working through these issues.
The reason for my reluctance is taste….. I’m a bit of a germaphob. I don’t even drink after anyone else. How do you get past that? It’s taken me years to get ok with the goo on my hands
I found that chocolate syrup helped me with this. Or, you might try flavored artificial lubricant or unsweetened yogurt. Follow the links at the bottom of this post to see some more suggestions about adjusting to the semen.
Am I the only one who seems to be grossed out if we take part in oral sex & then she tries to kiss me after? The idea of my part being in her mouth and kissing me right away just feels dirty.
And also is it somewhat common for people to be a bit taken back regarding oral if they are parents and have children who kiss them or share food and/or drinks sometimes?
You aren’t the only person not to want to kiss the mouth that was just on your genitals. Many people find it helpful to remember that it’s no more dirty for your mouth to touch hers than it is for hers to touch your genitals.
I don’t know if it’s common for people to have concerns about kissing or sharing food with their children using the same mouths as they use for oral sex–but it doesn’t really matter if it’s common. It matters to you. Perhaps you can make a point of using mouthwash and/or washing your face with soap and water after enjoying oral sex.